I stare horrified at the newcomer, mouth agape. "How dare you! All bare witness that this person is an imposter!" I smack him/her with the vehemence of a thousand thousand (a million, for the mathematically challenged) angry gorillas. "I have three things to say to you: firstly, mushrooms are disgusting, and no one in their right mind would ever eat them - not to mention the fact that your snout is attached to your shoulder now. How do you expect to eat like that? Have you learned nothing from my lecture on anatomy pertaining to perpetual anal explosions? Secondly, why would you want to attract the attention of zombie Nazis? Have you ever even been to a concentration camp? They don't have Netflix, you know! And thirdly, it is not your place to tell this story! I am the dungeon master, and I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment in said dungeon (but you can still submit instructions like everyone else)."

>Throw 12-gauge shotgun shells at your face praying you'll throw 20-gauge shells at mine.

<deleted - ninjad!>

Your wish is granted. I throw 20-gauge shotgun shells at your face and they explode on impact, making a Swiss-cheesian sculpture out of your head. You're still alive, but a lot uglier (as if that were possible).

(edit)

I pause to wonder how my precious world has been infiltrated by these pseudo-gods, for I am the only true God. Had I left the door unlocked? That would be unlike me. Usually I check it 76 times in a row to ensure that it is locked, and then try on 3 different hats, sing the Portuguese national anthem (this OCD is a big time-suck!) and then eat a granola bar.

But was today any different? Ah, yes. Now I remember. I was distracted by the giant asteroid I saw out my window, heading strait toward Earth at an alarming speed. But no matter. First thing's first. LOCK the damn door! Now that that's taken care of, how do I reset the Matrix? Was it F8? Shit, I can't remember. I'll just reformat the thing...

[3 days later]

Jesus, that was slow, but now we're back on track, and I've restored the game so its current state. Proceed.

>Use Police Badge

This might just be the best thing I've ever read. Also:

>place the lotion in the basket

>Use Police Badge

You show me your badge, or at least the one you stole from Bill, but I am not intimidated, and I do not respect your authoritah.

>place the lotion in the basket

There is no lotion, and no basket. But if it makes you feel better, lets say... you take a bite out of your shoulder, glue a moth to your lips, tuck your junk between your legs and pretend you're a woman. What it accomplishes exactly, I don't know.

>Apologize

I accept your apology. "It's just that I'm sensitive about my guacamole. I picked the avocados myself, and all that..." I agree to join you on your journey. I am at experience level 62, and have a special skill for gutting fishlike enemies, and an immunity to cinnamon overdose (because I have no gag reflex - wait, that's private, never mind).

>Inventory

>Ask You 20 gauge shotgun shells

>Inventory

empty flask
your right eyeball
20-gauge shotgun
a 700-foot yacht
a filthy magazine (covered in soy sauce) - you should be ashamed of yourself!
a racoon-skin wallet
nose hair clippers
a sonic screwdriver
a liquid screwdriver
a police badge
gift card for Chuck-E-Cheese
six credit cards, each with a different person's name on it
a small photograph of Bill with Mr. T

and I'm carrying 12-gauge shells

I think that covers it.

>Ask You 20 gauge shotgun shells

I look at you skeptically. "You really don't notice much, do you? Feel those holes in your face? I would have thought you'd remember the explosion!"

>

>Combine right eye ball with photo of Mr. T

You aim your eye at the photo, and it sees something peculiar. Unfortunately, it's not connected to your optic nerve, so it's not able to inform your brain about the evidence, and it has no mouth or other way to communicate with you, so you'll have to be left in the dark, so to speak, for now.

Instead. the eye hops out of your hand, and goes on its own quest to find Mr. T.

>Go West.

(I want to examine those runes)