Shuriken stirred his bourbon and Maalox cocktail, grimaced as he took a nasty swig, and settled in to wait in the darkness for Pfefferscheisse to come home so he could give the good doctor his just desserts...assuming Shuriken's ulcer didn't kill him before then.

And God said: Let us make just one more Mina skin.

Note to self: no more of these notes to self.

And that's what she said! she said.

Turns out the sharpest tool on shelf was the most headless of them all.

Your stupidity is only eclipsed by your laziness.

Q doesn't belong where it is in the alphabet. It should be nearer the end, with all the other high-value Scrabble tiles.

Old lady living upstairs from me: "I always need to keep a close eye on my cat, because she eats everything in sight. She eats my houseplants. She eats elastics. She eats ribbons. She eats toilet paper. It's really not her fault. She can't help herself. All cats are vegetarian."

I said "You're all Mormons," not "morons."

"Ooh, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. 'Basket fucking' is the phrase we were looking for, 'basket fucking.' Looks like the Holy Rollers will get a chance to catch up on points!"

Does anyone else feel the urge to respond to "May the Force be with you!" by saying, "And also with you!"?

A work colleague: "From now on, when I eat my burgers and pizzas, I remove the veggies. I will remove the lettuce and tomatoes from my burgers and I will remove the mushrooms and green peppers from my pizzas, because vegetables are very fattening."

Some say it's pictograms... some say it's ideograms... I don't know what the impact would be, all I know is that I collect them into kilograms.

Instead of telling people you're feeling meh, try saying that you're kind of whelmed by everything that's going on.

They call it the most advanced walking simulator the world has ever seen... Well, they haven't seen me in a square sandbox yet!