My dog, Jake, an AmStaff, just accidentally bit me.
He's also destroyed the following:
My Sennheiser headphones, a 1200 thread count Egyptian cotton bed sheet set, bore water pump, watering system, his own bed that I just bought him, my Mazda 6 wipers and mudflaps and all my expensive HoseLink garden hoses.
He destroyed my enclosed pergola by ripping all the insect screen.
Now he's progressed onto bricks; he's actually chewing on the house and has taken a chunk out about the size of a half-brick.
And the most annoying of all, he steals things and makes me chase him with a cheeky look on his face.
If I ignore him, he'll tease me with the stolen object, confident in the fact that I can never catch him.
The measly fat fuck bastard who dated me
That was your big mistake, you don't date fat people, they date you.
You have to make it seem like you're only dating them out of compassion, then you have the upper hand.
And make sure to always casually bring up their weight every now and then to keep them in line.