I really hate wallowing in self pity. But i really need to vent.
Lets start with my CV. its crap. Its a chaotic accumulation of non related jobs, voluntary stuff and huge gaps.
Age: yep, it is a thing. Im old. I have given up applying for universities and now im looking for job training possibilities, so i can have some qualifications before i turn 30. most students will have their Masters degree with 23. im not going to attend uni just to be around 18 year old kids.
i have been trying to apply for a degree, that i might not even like.
Surgery: is going to be painful, physically and financially. its going to eat up all my savings.
Also, im extremely depressive lately, and stressed 24/7. I sleep much longer than im actually awake. My voice has become monotone and my vision is greyed out. I used to play games, when i felt like this in the past but i cannot do that now. i do have euphoric moments but those are rare.
I should have started studying something right away. I have wasted 3 years.
Im about to snap. Sometimes I just start laughing out of the blue. I must have gotten crazy already.
Welcome to the club. I'm having mostly the same issues here. But I'm a bit older. In 30 years I felt the same way, like the world is finished on me and I have no place to go. Stupid advises from friends to workout a lot have not helped me to get through my growing depression. And suddenly I realized that I can't take it anymore. I just can't feel bad for my past, which may not be rewritten (there is no time-machine for me). And you know what? It helped a bit. Then I admitted my faults to myself (all), and to my friends and relatives. The more I spoke of it, the less I felt depended on my past. That was the first step to overcome my difficulties. But without proper psychiatrist you may or may not get far. In Russia it's a common thing to seek help elsewhere, like in church for God. Just know this, self pity is a tricky mechanism for personality destruction. All you need to do is to embrace yourself with all your bad and good qualities. You have to love yourself no matter what, it's really important. And it's not 100% your fault. Playing games (alcohol and drugs) can kill the depression for a short period of time. But to actually find yourself you need to get attention from the others. You need to feel needed, to raise you self-esteem first. Only after that you may continue on with education / job. Short version
1. cut off the past from your thoughts | also cut off all your previous goals (they are not worth it right now)
2. embrace the now with open heart and gratitude (yes, exactly with gratitude, it's important)
3. set yourself on *prosperity* future (if step 2 is done, you will not need to do anything - this will be enabled automatically in time, even that you don't have desired skills | education | work | salary - you need to feel like you actually do, again it's kinda important)
First 3 steps will reduce your anxiety | jealous | fear and dissatisfaction
- those most dangerous enemies against your bright future. In other words it should change your emotional approach or thinking pattern, a barrier between you (in the past) and your better self (now).
4. with calm mind think of your new goal | wish, think what you really want (money is not worth it, but money for buying house or car is much better, still you can find something more appropriate for yourself like super-mega degree or master skill in money gaining >>> I personally suggest skills / perks over cash and items)
7. profit! :)))
Just in case, it's my opinion only, so don't feel offended.