It was worth the read.

A wee leprechaun who lived near a golf course would watch men golf and one man in particular caught his attention as he noticed how his golf game has not been improving over time. Once when he was watching the man's game the man spotted him as he's looking for his ball near the the bushes in which he was hiding; the leprechaun knows he's been seen and, admitting his obligation, says, "Ya've seen me good sir, I'll be grantin' ya yer three wishes!"

The man replies, "Oh, don't bother, I'm doin' fine, don't be worryin' 'bout me now." and he walks off to finish his game. The leprechaun is impressed and thinks to himself, "What a fine man, not to be be greedy as are most men. But, I know what men like, so I'll be grantin' him three boons anyway. First, his golf game will need improving, and then he's sure to want success with his financial situation, and finally, he'll want to share the embrace and intimate warmth of lovely lasses as often as possible."

Some few weeks pass and because the man's game has improved so much, the leprechaun must go to confront him on the green, saying, "I see your golf game's much improved!" The man replies, Oh, you are the wee leprechaun I met, how are you?" The leprechaun responds, "Pshaw, don't be worrin'' about me... tell me, how is your financial situation lately?" The man replies, "'Tis strange that ya ask, for some of me investments have really done well and I'm now a wealthy man."

Then the leprechaun queries, "And, just between me and you, how many times a week do you feel, the loving warmth of a lovely lass?" The man responds, "You mean sex? That's personal and I don't think that's a topic up for discussion."
The leprechaun answers back, "Aw, ya can tell me, I'm a leprechaun, who am I goin' to tell anyway?" So the man answers back, "Well, two or three times on a good week, I suppose." The leprechaun says shocked, Och! Is that all, man?"

The man answers back, Aye, but 'tis not bad for a priest in a small town."

Friend #1: "I'm stressed because I'm single and I won't be in love on Valentine's Day."

Friend #2: "Don't worry. It's just a holiday. Do you stress for not being dead on Halloween?"

A new Hollywood film was being planned about the lives of famous composers of the Renaissance period. It was decided that key actors would be allowed to choose who they felt that they could best embody and truly "own" the role as theirs.

First they asked George Clooney, "Mr. Clooney, who do you feel you could most accurately portray from the list of famous composers here?" George immediately responded. "Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky," his music really speaks to me, almost as it I had written it myself. "Wonderful," they replied, "You would make an excellent Tchaikovsky, please, just don't shave off your beard."

Then they asked Tom Hanks, "Mr. Hanks, who do you feel that you could best portray from the list?" He shot back right away, "Ludwig Van Beethoven!" Not only do I find his music captivating, I admire him for having conquered so much adversity to become, arguably, the greatest composer of all time." "Excellent," was the response of the casting directors, "We know that you are the perfect for the part."

Then, they queried Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Arnie, Who do you want to be?" He retorted, "I'll be Bach!"

My new girlfriend called me at work and said, "The car won't drive."

I replied, "Sweetie, when I'm not there, you'll have to sit on the other side."

Bad puns make me numb in the head. But math puns make me number.

Lmao.

Daughter: "Daddy! I need your help. You have to install a roller blind on my window!"
Dad: "No way. Too expensive. We don't have any money"
Daughter: "But I really need a blind or shutters or something!"
Dad: "Why? What's the matter?"
Daughter: "Our neighbor always watches me when I undress in the evening."
Dad: "Oh... well, that's gotta stop. I know what we'll do. You just switch rooms with your mom."
Daughter: "But then he'll see her when she undresses."
Dad: "Well, let him buy shutters then!"

I accidentally called a cow a different type of bovid. It was an ox-ward situation.

^ I hope that you, at least, wished it a happy gnu year in January.

lol That combo.

Q: What does one call a cannibal who eats his mother in law?






A: a gladiator

Here's one I stole from someone else:

Why shouldn't you employ rabbits?

They are hare today, and gone tomorrow.

What does a clueless person use to measure temperature?

duh-grees!