When my aunt died they buried her in the wrong spot. It was a grave error.

Ok, I laughed.

Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
Twitter asks what I’m doing.
Foursquare asks where I am.

The internet mimics my girlfriend.

I had the vaccine jab today, and the overall experience wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
All I felt was a little prick, but then, at 5 foot 4, I've been feeling like that for most of my life...

I asked my girlfriend when she had downed several glasses of wine and had become quite chatty,
"Doll, why don't we men know what women want?"

She answered smiling, "Because we would lose our competitive advantage, you silly."

The problem with stealing quotes off of the internet is that you never know if they are genuine - Abraham Lincoln

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? he is 0k now.

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.

The bartender says, Wait, is this a joke?"

I remember when you could go into the candy store with one dollar and come out with 2 candy bars, a bag of potato chips, a bag of hard candies, and an all-day sucker. But now they have cameras everywhere.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

My number one fear is public speaking. Death is number two. This means that if I go to a funeral, I am better off in the casket than reading the eulogy.

My girlfriend was going through a period of morbidity, concerned about her mortality and so she began to question me, "If "something happened to me would you give my stuff away to my new girlfriend?"Then she asked, "Would you give my jewelry to your new girlfriend?" I replied, of course not, I would return it to your parents. "Besides," I replied, "this is a depressing topic, why don't we go for a nice walk, instead." No, no, she insisted, "Would you two sleep in our bed?" I shot back, acting horrified, "Hell no, I'd have to toss it out." Finally, she whined, "Well what about my golf clubs, would you let her use them?" I responded, "Well, you certainly don't have to worry about that, she's left handed."