The way I'm currently feeling I'll post what I said when someone (the one of two people who asked about me) asked if I was ok: No. I am a fire breathing dragon. I am Godzilla wanting to smash cities to dust. I am a supernova wanting to burn away the whole universe.
I thought I was the only one!
Been thinking a lot and thought I'd just air out my thoughts and post. Apologies if this offends anyone. Alright let's start w/:
Since I was in middle school, all I wanted was to be married to a smart, beautiful, sweet, and loving woman, come home to her and live our lives together. Life showed me very early that wasn't in the cards for me. My first crush was in high school. She was smart, beautiful, loving, and sweet. Long copper ringlets of hair running down to the middle of her back. Eyes made of the purest jade. Porcelain skin w/ cute little freckles all over it. Sharp as a razor and knew how to cut like one. I fell so hard for her that I just had to let her know, but I was petrified of her. What I did was send a note to a teacher and ask if she could give it to the girl. The teacher did. I watched as she went to her car, wrote her own note, gave it to the teacher, then drove away. The note said she was glad I was a friend of hers and that she was going to college soon and that she had a boyfriend she was very happy with.
That night I stayed up all night staring at my ceiling. It bothered me so much. Why I didn't learn my lesson there I'll never know. Guess I'm just stubborn like that. In college.....I'd need this website's server space for all the misadventures there. I'll relate just one story. In a class I was in a group w/ someone. I asked if she'd like to do get together to study for our class. She said yes. We talked every other day on the phone. She needed help w/ another class and I helped as much as I could. She asked me to come over to her dorm room. We hung out for hours at a time, she and I. Her birthday came up and I took her on a date and got her a present. One night as we were together something wonderful came to my heart. I wanted to date this woman. I wanted to be there for her. Take care of her and support her as much as I could. I asked if we could go out as boyfriend and girlfriend. She said she already had a boyfriend. Nothing else she said was heard. All I saw was red and that was the end of that. Later I found out she was just using me b/c all her friends said she was racist and having me hang around (as a person of color) would make them stop calling her that.
My fifth and final girlfriend. I loved her so much. She wasn't a super model, but she was beautiful to me. Sweet, loving, caring. The things we did, the places we went, the times when we just stayed home and watched movies. She was a huge MCU nerd and I loved it. One of her favorite characters was Hela. We went to see that movie when it was released and we both had a blast. A few months later she comes to me w/ the, "It's not you it's me," speech. She still wanted to be friends, of course. Then one time she said she was packing everything and moving away I asked her not to go. She said she was and that was final. For days she wouldn't reply if I asked about her. I asked her best friend if she had moved. Then my ex (who I thought still wanted to be friends) gave me the third degree and told me to shove off. Over me asking if she was okay and she got to where she was going safely.
What really sets me over the edge is all the insecure men out there who make their g/f's or wives give up all their male friends. I had a friend of a decade. She was my best friend. I was there for her when her dad took his own life. She was so tore up and I tried to support her as best I could. When the s#it hit the fan for me she talked me down, helped me get through the crisis. Helped me make a decision. Now? Her @$$hole boyfriend says, "Nope, can't talk to her anymore," and I say, "Can't let her speak for herself?" and she comes up and says, "Yes, I love him, don't want to talk to you anymore," and that's it. A decade of friendship, burned away to ashes. Her life, her choices, I get it.
Some examples of a litany of fails, horror stories, and other mishaps. Funny thing is so many people tell me I'm a great guy. That a woman would be so lucky to have me, yet they wouldn't give me a chance. Even when I had money and worked out 6 days a week. Had maybe about 12% body fat. Had money I didn't know what to do w/. All I got was used, hurt, and tossed away like an old rag doll.
So I'm just done w/ it. I'm done w/ people, w/ trying to find someone.
I'm tired of people being so hateful, greedy, and selfish towards each other. Guess we're still products of the planet. We are animals. That won't ever change or we wouldn't be human anymore. This is something we've struggled w/ since man walked upright and hit each other w/ sticks.
And suffering still after all this time from a workplace injury. Was at my old job since I was 17. After the injury it's been hard to be on my feet for a long period of time. Oh no, you're not disabled. So what if you can't stand on your feet or walk for more than 15 minutes at a time? Here, we'll send you to doctor after doctor, treatment after treatment. Can't even get unemployment until I'm 'ready to work' and even then the waiting list is so long it's just silly. Supposed to get treated for my injury later this month. All I can hope is for some sort of relief so I can work. If this doesn't help, who knows what will happen.
Now there's this 'bug' going around that isn't the Black Death. It's serious but not THAT serious. People are blowing this 'covid' thing so out of proportion that it's just plain sad to watch. Entire nations putting their people under lock and key because a few people fell ill. Not tens or hundreds of thousands, a few. Coming soon near you: More lockdowns! Over a virus w/ a death rate under that of the flu! Not trying to change anyone's mind. Everyone has pretty much made up their mind by now, but for me, it's just too much for an issue so small.
This helped to blow off some steam but I can still feel massive heaps of rage inside. Don't worry. I'm doing just fine. Making plans to move on and live the life that I want to. If you made it this far thank you for reading.