Granted, you grow a leaf out of your head, but you can't control it. It flies you into the sun. Somehow.

*Ahem*
I. Wish. To. Be. Alive. And. Happy. For. Eternity.

Granted. Only it turns out your mind was uploaded into a simulation. Existential crises drive you mad.

I wish people studying the mind-body problem had to take Aikido.

I took Aikido. For a walk. No wait, that was my Akita.

I wish my shoulder would stop cramping up on the last night of my bowling league.

Granted, starting this momento you don't have shoulders or human arms, instead you got a nice pair of tentacles. Japanese women are not please at all since you represent ther nightmares come true and hunt you down forever.

I wish for a six pack of nice cold beer.

Granted. Not only do you have a six pack of nice cold beer, but each can is twelve feet high and weighs thousands of pounds.

I wish to be incorruptible.

Granted, but your moral compass will stagnate and you'll never learn true freedom.

I wish to be reincarnated as Chris Evans.

Granted. Your name is now Chris Evans in your next life. Just a coincidental name.

I wish for the .ART domain to flop so we don't have dumb debates over who gets control.

Granted, but with it, the entire concept of art also flops, and all of humanity falls into a gray, depressing wasteland of boredom.

I wish I could get a full scholarship to the college of my choice. (please)

aaaand granted. After your first semester you become completely disenchanted with higher education and drop out. Upon doing so you learn there is a clause, that if you do not complete at least one year, you must pay back the tuition immediately. With no money, and debt hanging over your head, you join a luchador circuit.

I wish teleportation was a reality.

Granted, but only you have lag using it.

I wish i could read minds having perfect control of my power.

Done. The other minds now have perfect control of your power.

I wish it was summer year-round.

Granted. Say hello to horrible crop failures!

I wish Comcast would cancel their plan to place caps on consumers and lowered their prices toward European and Asian standards.

Done. The polar ice caps melt flooding the earth.

I wish I had the ability to go back in time exactly one day, as many times as I want, and to be able to take anything I was holding with me.

Granted. However, you only wished for the ability to travel through time, not space. Since the earth moves about 1.6 million miles a day, you find yourself in outer space. You may experience some discomfort.

I wish to be immune to all diseases.

Granted, however you are now a carrier. O_O

I wish this wish wouldn't end so badly! >_<