Lula: The Sexy Empire

For starters, I first played this game many years ago just when puberty started to hit me. At this point in time my erotic standards were low. So, I did have some fun with this game back THEN, I also was quite inexperienced with games in general. I played it again about half a year ago and, well, it sucked. badly. At the very beginning it may be a little bit entertaining (motto: It's so bad, it's good). I perceived the drawings as sloppy (sometimes even ugly), most of what happens is presented as text and the game itself is generally very repetitive and deliberately annoing. Ah, and especially (but not exclusively) chapter 3 will probably bore the shit out of every living human being. The game consists of three chapters. In the first chapter you're in a small desert-town, trying to evade the FBI and making some money with dirty photos and films. Having earned enough money you'll enter chapter two in which you'ver got your own Porno-Studio. You hire actors and staff, shoot films, buy stuff, sell the films. Finally, having raised enough money again, you'll find yourself in chapter three wich consists of flying around and managing sex-stores around the USA. You'll, put money in and out, determine the quality of staff and the sold content (which doesn't seem to have any influence). You can sabotage other shops (not worth the money it costs) and... that's basically it. You fly around to "manage" your stores. The flying itself takes the longest, and you can do nothing in that time. And you'll earn money much slower than in chapter two. You'll get very aggressive after awhile and hopefully stop playing. The first chapter goes by relatively rapidly, maybe before even getting too boring. The second one also may be fun for a liiittle while, it's maybe the most fun out of the 3 chapters. But oh boy, that "fun" passes quickly. Chapter three. Well... just do yourself a favour and stop playing after chapter two if you've been masochistic enough to start playing. Dont buy.

Video Review: https://youtu.be/1axcLvQ46mQ

I can't figure out how to speed up time, how to bring up the Main Menu anywhere but the hotel room. I have been completely unable to find a manual for the game in English, or at least in text in a foreign language so that I can get it translated. The only way I can find to "quit out" is to alt-tab and Close Window. Which makes GOG Galaxy think the game's still running, so I have to close it out to try again.

One of the problems that I could see, right off the bat, was the fact that there was hardly any humor to be found and the eroticism that this game is going for is, in my opinion, much to be desired. The music and sound effects are OK, the voice acting is hardly even there and when it is, it's just horrendous. Art style, done by Carsten Wieland, is pretty good. That's the only good you'll get out of me for this game, personally. The gameplay is just boring as all hell. The first part of the game has you trying to get away from the FBI and making money by making pornography through video or picture-taking and selling them. Once you've earned enough money, you're in the second part of the game where you have your own porn studio. You hire some actors and staff, buying props (I.E. Dildos & other such toys), shooting porn movies and selling them. The third part is where it gets dull and uninteresting really fast. Most of what you do has you flying around and managing sex shops. This part was so boring, I actually had to have a Red Bull or two just to keep playing/reviewing this thing. I can safely say that this game is just one of the worst out there, especially if eroticism is concerned. If you want a game that is erotic and has some humor in it as well, get any of the Leisure Suit Larry games. Otherwise, fuck this game. No, you know what? Don't fuck it, it doesn't deserve that. That's only glorifying it. If you really want this that bad, I'd suggest you wait until it's on sale for say, $1.50, for example. You'd have to be masochistic to wanna enjoy this game. Some of you might get some pleasure out of it. As for most of us, this will bring nothing but pain.

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