I'd love to see a comic and a video game (even though I suck at fighting games, lol). :)

MTV should make a season of Celebrity Deathmatch out of it.

That's almost exactly how my brain is picturing all this. :D

Poultry!!

Granted, Lily mostly sticks to bovines because they're big enough. Poultry is like a snack XD. Same with pigs which I didn't add, though, those would be bigger snacks?

Great page! Thanks to you, TheDudeLebowski and Carradice. :)


Great characters and fantastic write-ups by Doc and Punington. This definitely would make a good novel/comic/game ... which I would continue to keep any drink well away from. ;)

Thank you, Punington, for your funny story-writing skills! Your writing blends in seamlessly with Doc's style. :)

Even when in the sidelines, Mother of All Mothers in Law remains quite intimidating!

Cats in the tavern are a little bit nervous, they're making sure the place is stocked with plenty of bovines, pigs, poultry and other non-feline snacks. :)

Thank you, glad you liked the page! Totally agree about Doc and Punington doing some fantastic writing, this has been so much fun. :)

Thanks for the great web page! ^_^

Fights 16 & 17 courtesy of Punington

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A trail of gift wrap, coffee-stained diagrams, blueprints and measuring instruments springs from where the shadowy figure had once been. An inconspicuous subtle movement peering into the dark vastness into which the trail flows, tries to conceal a forced gulp and fills his lungs with courage, getting ready to follow. The first step, slow and difficult, trembles anticipating unknown horrors; but suddenly a sound in the distance, the ridiculous thought of a second step interrupted midway between ignorance and madness by the crackling of two colossal gates opening. The sigh of relief averts his gaze from the maw leading towards the inscrutable depths of the arena only to find a familiar scene back from where he came from. That’s all there should be, no need for other mysteries. Below him, the fight. That’s all there is, below him, unfolding magnificently, the always reassuring presence of the fight.


Fight 16

The left gate opens up to receive the veteran, the malware slayer, the unique and diverse, the singular and plural, here comes (36) Will and Smith!

Following from the right gate and preceded by a drizzle of Geminids which he helped to compute, comes straight from the matrix of the cosmos the devourer of electricity, the pillar of the universe, the RAM chip overclocking your hearts, (14) 010110101001010101011101!

Applauses and cheers coming from excited fans shower both contestants whilst undecided onlookers without the gift of memory take quick glances at the [url=http://"krugos.com/gog_fight_club.html"]tournament's brochure[/url] in order to recall their previous battles.

* DICE ROLL 1 *
Will and Smith rolls 10
010110101001010101011101 rolls 5
Will and Smith personality roll 12

Will and Smith looks with an intermittently twisted and awed expression at his adversary's meteoric entrance. He doesn't move, as if trying to decide something but not being able to make up his mind.

Sensing an opportunity to score a hit, 010110101001010101011101 borrows his cue from a streak of light drawn by the last disintegrating Geminid and charges towards his opponent. B-but wait a second! Just a millisecond before contact, the look on Will and Smith's face suddenly changes, freezing 010110101001010101011101 on his tracks and making him second guess his approach warily.

A stern look scrutinises the RAM chip from top to bottom. “That’s why I hate you!" yells Will and Smith dropping with fury his collection of sharp things on the floor.

The sentient piece of hardware doesn't understand what that crazy-looking guy is talking about.

"You know what? Nah, forget it. Well ok whatever, I’ll just go ahead and say it. Aren't you supposed to support the universe man? Guarantee a flawless performance and all that? I've been reading the tournament's brochure you know?”

"Em... Yes? Yes, I am. I do, in fact. Yes." replies 010110101001010101011101.

"Bullshit." interjects Will and Smith. "Then explain why do I have this crazy masochist in my head begging for pain all the time . It's all he wants that sonofa-… Ok, ok, let's not self deprecate here...”

010110101001010101011101 looks around trying to find a complicit look, a proof that this is happening, that this is all real.

"But," Will and Smith continues, "But did you know that sometimes I wake up on my bed with a knife stabbed in my hand? What the f*** right? What's gonna be next, my eyes? I had to order a set of chains from those Amazon bastards and I'll never forget the look on that guy's face when he came to deliver them. F*** me he knew what was in the damn box, isn't that illegal or somethin'? Imagine what he said to his mates, and what the hell are those bar codes they keep scanning all day for anyway, huh? “

The accused struggles to understand wether he’s expected to give a coherent answer and wether he’s even capable of doing so.

Will and Smith approaches the RAM chip, coming in very close, face to sur-face. "How can I make something perfect when I have to worry about being stabbed in the eye or hammered on the foot? How can I make something perfect when I, myself, am so utterly and deeply flawed? Don't you see? I'm a bug, a glitch in the system, a calculation error! It shouldn't be like this! It's not supposed to be like this! Is it?!" a deep cry of pain emerging from a soul torn apart.

010110101001010101011101 doesn't have enough memory stored to recall when and how the universe's CPU processed the conception of the being known as Will and Smith. An accurate assessment is impossible, the situation deeply illogical, the RAM chip begins to overclock himself trying to reach the matrix of the universe from the floor of the arena. Faster, quicker, there should be an answer somewhere, the universe couldn't birth such a maniac. Hotter, reading for a solution, writing a possible explanation, the data rate increasing to unattainable speeds. Hotter, brighter, the air almost boiling around him, keep going, never falter, keep-… In an instant, reaching the temperature of a star's core, the RAM chip known as 5A955D to his friends and 010110101001010101011101 to everyone else, obliterates himself unable to comprehend and resolve the true nature of his opponent.

Once again impervious to merit through decisive action, the man, the conflict known as Will and Smith triumphs over his opponent; once again, still unable to triumph over himself.

010110101001010101011101 access the tavern indirectly, opening his senses to a friendly bartender who smiles at him and says “Can I get you something 5A955D?”.

Fight 17

An excited voice in the distance picks up a microphone. "Next up for a match made in heaven, get ready to welcome our first fighter! The escapist, the twinkle-toed, the uncatchable, the huuuuuuuuahhhntttter, (53) Eiden!!! "

A small figure equipped with the hunter's set (traps, crossbow, and short sword), dashes in through the left gate. Feather steps and no sound on his wake, Eiden allows the thunderous cheers and encouragements from the onlookers to sediment the true measure of his power.

"The next contestant is pure dynamite and you'd better believe he is going to blow you away! Here comes the grappler, the amoebous fighter, the wrestler with the most explosive personality, the one and only, Poweeeeeeeeeeeerbomb!"

A wild outburst of applause follows Powerbomb who slowly makes it to the center of the fighting area taking it all in, the whole stage about to be set on fire.

* DICE ROLL 1 *
Eiden 9
Powerbomb 10

Light-footed, Eiden breaks into a spring. Running around, covering every corner, surrounding his opponent, jumping from pillar to pillar, neither the spectators nor Powerbomb can follow his movements clearly. Finally, with a graceful stunt, he propels himself to the edge of the arena and dares his rival to approach his position.

Powerbomb doesn't react to his opponent's provocation, he looks at him quizzically instead. Then, reaching under his wrestler's suit, he produces a set of sweaty papers and begins to read them with difficulty. An absolute silence travels through the crowd, only broken by Powerbomb's continuous and hoarse murmuring. "This is weird, that guy was supposed to pick up a mic and say something shallow and pedantic about me having a relatively unoriginal name and all." Powerbomb comes up with an inner monologue, nobody understanding what's going on when the murmur continues. "And then, I was supposed to act like I'm offended when I'm not, really, and here says 'people cheering' and so people are supposed to cheer at this moment, and then some other things happen I guess, and at some point after this smudged text it's when I do the whole grab and exploding thing again. Did my manager send me the wrong script? Well, color me surprised, he always does the same thing, that man is a mess, I swear. He seems to only care about money sometimes..." The unblinking crowd sees the lonely figure sigh and lower his shoulders. "I should begin thinking about retiring, I'm getting too old for this, always exploding, always reconstituting, always exploding again, and let's be honest here, I'm not as quick as I once was... I mean, at some point I should think about having a family, finding myself a bombshell wife, building a house with explosion-proof furniture and explosion-proof rooms and all, those things take time you know? When am I going to grow up?"

Tired of being ignored and using both hands to project his voice across the arena, the hunter yells: "What are you waiting for powderhead? Come get me!"

Powerbomb finally diverts his attention from the set of papers he was examining and looking at Eiden, replies through his mask: "Mhmmhmhmh, mhmhhhmm!!!"

Unsure if he's understood correctly but not caring that much, the slender figure answers. “Come! Come catch me if you can, just a tiny step forward, you'll see!"

Having considered how little time is left and how many things there are to do, Powerbomb gathers his strength under a delicate whisper. "Ok champ, one last time, just this last one and it’s over”. And then the wrestler steps forward, making contact with one of the hundreds of traps the hunter has laid on the floor. An electric shock crackles through Powerbomb's body stunning him momentarily, enough for Eiden to pick up his crossbow and aim a deadly shot at him.

He misses! A member of the audience drops dead, an arrow piercing his heart. At the same time and showing an impressive capacity for recovery, Powerbomb forgets about his issues, forgets about his manager, forgets about the world, and reverting back to his instinctive wrestler's behaviour, reaches for the dead man's chair and hurls it towards Eiden's face.

It's a hit! Eiden falls to the floor, hurt but still conscious.



* DICE ROLL 2 *
Eiden 3
Powerbomb 9

Tired, understanding that the time for a game of tag has passed, Eiden scrutinises his opponent in an instant, then stands up and leaping around the arena approaches Powerbomb, somersaults on top of his shoulders and reaches onto the back of his mask revealing a set of wires, one blue, one green, one red. "I knew it!" he claims. His quick thinking paying of.

Powerbomb tries to grab Eiden and trigger his detonation powers but the hunter remains out of reach of the wrestler's arms, swiftly squirrelling from head to shoulders evading any apprehension attempt, slowly strangling his opponent on a wired chokehold. And yet, before his lungs give up completely, Powerbomb gathers his last strands of energy and begins to wobble left and right seeking to force his opponent off of him.

On that moment Eiden remembered what the elder used to say when he was but a squeaky little kid running around the village. "Listen you runt, remember this for it could save your life one day. If you ever come across a bomb-wrestler with a blue, green, and red cable; always, always, for f**** sake, cut the-". But on that occasion as well as in many others, Eiden had managed to even evade the words of the elder.

And so, seeing no other path to victory and encouraged by those unremembered words of wisdom, the hunter grabs his short sword and attempts to defuse Powerbomb. Blue, Green, Red... Green!

On Eiden's eyes the sun shining through the forest trees, the bird's flight above a quiet village, and a chain of flames bursting rapidly from within. The obliteration of his dream, he won’t go back home crowned champion of the arena.

Unable to escape his own demise, Eiden bursts back into life inside the tavern. Feeling at home in such a wild and merry place, he joins the ongoing conversations, trapping everyone’s hearts with his agile jokes.

Powerbomb slowly reconstitutes himself amongst applauses. As he walks away his cellphone rings, a voice message: "Hey champ, you did well there, you’re… I just, I just want you to know that... that well, it doesn’t matter if your name is unremarkable ok? It really doesn’t. You’re still the best, I’ll tell you every time, you are and will always be the best wrestler there is… And yeah, so… Anyway, since I’m here -well I’m not really here hehehehehe but you get me, right champ?- Well, I’ve just sent you the script for the next fight, read it carefully ok? Don’t mess it up you hear? No improvisation and other shenanigans as we always say alrighty? Ok, ok, glad to know you’re doing fine out there, have to go now, talk to you later eh? See ya! Bye, bye, byebyebyebyebye, b-..."

An amplified metallic clank! in the distance suddenly reminds the onlookers of that voice who introduced the combatants before the fight began. Turning towards its direction a shadowy figure seemingly annoyed brushes a bunch of popcorn away from an imposing and crunchy tribune.

Excellent job by Punington with fights 16 and 17, Eiden vs Powerbomb was my favorite of the two, had a laugh when the hunter missed and killed an audience member only to have the dead guy's chair used against him, lol. :)

The Fight Club page has been updated with these fights.

There's an issue with the links on fight 16. The first one code is visible (on the paragraph before Dice Roll 1), the url is between quotation marks so the forum didn't recognize it as a hyperlink. By the way, happy to see the webpage featured in one of the fights, that made my day! :)

The second link (paragraph 5 after Dice Roll 1) seems to point to a different url, I guess it's one of the spreadsheets by The Dude or Carradice, but it doesn't seem to be working, maybe an error on the url.

Thank you, glad you like it. :)

Poor 010110101001010101011101. Gone but not forgotten.

(...) preceded by a drizzle of Geminids (...)? Man, that's poetry right there!

Too bad that the guarantee period of my hero expired some 14 billion years ago... Will & Smith, you were a worthy d̶e̶f̶e̶c̶t̶ opponent. :D

Congrats, ywzywz! ;)
Have a beer! Need some company right now. :)

These are so unendingly fun! Thanks again, Doc, for putting all this effort in. You sure didn't have to, and you are brightening up all our holidays!