Sid Meier’s Pirates!

Be me Start life as a crew member on a ship Captain is kind of a jerk Can't take it anymore Mutiny with crewbros, become new captain Arrrrgh Matey! Sail around for a while, kicking ass and taking ships Hear from a barmaid that Spanish treasure bullion is headed for Rio de la Hacha disgonnabegood.jpg Land in le Hacha, no treasure ship in sight Chill out with governor, his daughter comes in hottie/10 wherehaveyoubeenmywholelife.htm Barely able to put two words together as she asks me to the ball Find out my mad standing-upright-in-a-ship-during-storm skillz really help with dancing QT is impressed, gives me a fancy dueling sword Governor tells me to escort a ship with ultimatum to some French town gonnastartawar.doc Escort ship, killing two pirate raiders War starts, take down a couple of french ships, one of them is loaded Crew very happy with incoming gold Go back to RioHacha, spend all the gold for diamond necklace for bae Crew threatening to mutiny itsallgoodbros.exe Bae goes nuts over bling-bling, shows it to her fiance dudewtf? Fiance challenges me to a duel Take my shiny new sword, hop on a fountain edge and yell "come at me bro" Fiance is Captain of the guard, has been dueling for longer than I've had chest hair Kicks my ass, takes my fancy dueling sword and spanks me with it Bae is not impressed Tells me to look up her younger sister She's an only child Go back to port Ship is missing Find out crew had mutinied I've got 12 gold with me Spend rest of my life hauling cargo from incoming ships Bae gets married to Captain of the guard next month I'm not invited 11/10 Would lose life savings and get friendzoned again

If you stop to think about it, there really isn't a lot to Pirates! Most of the game revolves around attacking ships on the high seas, stealing their gold and booty and maybe fighting their captain if you want to keep his ship for yourself. Repeat the process with towns. There's a little more to it, of course. You can find buried treasure, rescue long-lost family members or even woo a governor's hottie daughter. Still, all of those things revolve around the basics of 1) fighting with cannons on the high seas and then 2) very VERY basic sword fighting. In the case of wooing the governor's hottie daughter, sword fighting is replaced with dancing, which can actually be more challenging that the sword fights, but not by much. Yes, Pirates! doesn't have a lot of depth when it comes to actual gameplay, but it's just plain fun. It's fun, and HIGHLY addictive. It isn't one of those games that consumes all of your time. Sure, you may play it for hours at a time at first, but eventually it becomes that game you go to when you need a break from those other games. Eventually you'll stop playing it for a few months, but then out of the blue you'll have the urge to return to the high seas, and you'll be back playing it again. You may repeat that process for years. I mean that--years. My first exposure to Pirates! came on the Commodore 64. When I moved on to the Amiga, it was one of the first games I bought for that. Later, when I got my first PC, I ran across an updated 90's version in a CompUSA (remember those?) and bought it. When the remake came out in 2004, I bought the boxed version right away and I bought it again when GOG first started selling it. Even at its regular GOG price, where else are you going to find that much entertainment for $10?

SWASH. verb to swagger with a drawn sword BUCKLER. noun a small shield SWASHBUCKLER. noun stock character to nance flamboyantly in inadequate armour Sid Meier’s Pirates! promises that there shall be buckles and, by golly, that they shall be swashed. Sid Meier’s Pirates! has never seen a cuirass and wouldn’t know how to fasten one if it did. Sid Meier’s Pirates! thinks that duels are won with comedically-timed swinging crates. Sid Meier’s Pirates! puts an exclamation point in its official title. It’s everything that the name promises - a ridiculous romp through naval battles and ballroom dances. You begin as a callow boy seeking the man who stole his family and end as a privateer who forgot his family existed about three weeks in. You’re sure they’re fine. They’ve probably gone to live on a farm somewhere. The main thrust of the game is hunting other ships for fun and profit. You pick your prey - British, Dutch, French or Spanish - and use their deaths to curry favour with their enemies. Then you romance said enemy’s daughter and milk the poor girl for map fragments, before kicking seven bells out of her other suitors and swanning off on another caribbean murder cruise. Eventually your men get moody, so you split the take and go your separate ways - you to recruit another crew, them to do whatever it is unemployed sailors do down the docks in 1660. Pirates! Technically has a plot to follow: Marquis de la Montalbán kidnapped your family when you were a kid and you’re looking to learn where he stashed them. Once I almost got as far as finding my sister. Once. Because Pirates! is a glorious open ocean and it’s so easy to find yourself following the horizon instead, so easy to chase after the top ten wanted pirates. There are cannons to fire, crew to hire, ships to board and their captains to duel. There are barroom brawls cheered on by feisty barmaids. There is a ballroom dancing minigame. There is an exclamation mark in the official title.

You play as a pirate as the game title implies, but you can play as a good character as well (law abiding), you have your own ship which you can upgrade or change entirely, you also have a crew and you can buy and sell cargo from port to port. You can fight other ships on the sea in a rts style combat and complete missions. The game is ok but very repetitive as fighting other ships, selling cargo and completing the odd mission which is basically the same objective every time is about all you do. 3/5 for me.

Reviewing the boxed copy - I originally bought this when it came out, as I was a huge fan of the Pirates franchise, and spent many, many hours on playing the previous games. I found this one fun and spent many hours. The land battle is interesting and a little more chess than just moving like original Pirates. The dancing is odd and gets a little repetitive after a bit, and not as much fun in the game, as well as music gets old. The ability to get additional people to improve attacks, repair, food, etc. was a nice add as well. As a whole it is great, but it does lose some replay want with the dancing seeming to get in the way.