HereForTheBeer: Oh, goody goody - my turn!
Dad, who has never been particularly close to us kids (and vice verse) is getting to the age where medical issues are a near-daily thing to deal with. 40+ years of not taking care of himself led to type II diabetes, a bunch of micro-strokes several years back followed by a moderate stroke (he regained most function but it slowed him down), a triple bypass with valve replacement surgery last year, and another small stroke last month. Yay.
He has some mental twist that keeps him from making progress in life. Smart guy, completely capable of doing whatever he's wanted, but whenever things get settled and he's starting to make progress, he sells off most of his meager amount of crap and moves someplace else. He usually bounces between the US southwest (where his favorite kid, an older sister of mine, lives) and the Midwest (where my brother and I live). My brother and I dealt with the first strokes, my sister was there for the heart surgery and recovery, and now he's back up here where he had this latest stroke. These moves happen about every 6 - 18 months, and he's actually about due to head back down to live near my sister. Complains about the cold up here and how it affects his bones and joints, and complains about the dust and heat down there. And always manages to move up here just before winter or move down there just before the heat and wind of summer. Never learns...
Anyway, I think this last stroke has caused some cognitive problems. His decision-making his been screwy (screwier than normal ; ) ) since then, and he's definitely slowed-down further. Fortunately, an old girlfriend of his has moved to the same building and is sort of watching him day-to-day. She and us kids aren't a great fit but we're certainly thankful for the help she's giving, and we are getting along better these - likely from necessity. Anyway, she sees the day-to-day stuff and we get periodic calls between our visits that he's done this or that dumb thing.
Great. So my brother and I got him to agree to medical and financial powers-of-attorney to help him take care of his affairs should he become incapacitated. It's not complicated stuff since he's on a fixed income and has few expenses; meanwhile, we've been accompanying him to some of the more important doctor visits to try to make sure the doctors get the correct details from Dad. This is harder than it sounds because his girlfriend sometimes gets things wrong (or emphasizes the wrong thing), and Dad simply won't tell you anything unless you ask pointedly. So we're stuck having to know what to ask without knowing what the issues may be... because he won't tell us. And even when we DO know what to talk with him about, it's no guarantee we'll get a truthful answer. Frustrating.
The girlfriend called a couple weeks back and said he had his insulin crap all messed up so his blood sugar went really haywire. This, in turn, screwed up the decision-making abilities. And he has internet access. Nothing good can come of this. Shortly after the stroke, he decided, at age 72, that it was time to get a degree. So he gets hooked in by an online university (fortunately, a major reputable one) and talks to them about criminal justice. And they kept calling to get the ball rolling on enrollment. See, Dad finally decides that his fixed-income life, which he's been on for a solid decade or more, could use an income boost. The girlfriend called and said (she's trying to keep him from knowing that she's passing on info) that he was supposed to have a phone interview with the school one morning. I made an excuse to be there and told him afterward that while advanced education is certainly a noble goal, nobody is going to hire, at age 72, for security or criminal justice, a guy using a cane and walker, with no experience, who doesn't even bother wearing his dentures. Now, Dad, if you want to pursue this as an intellectual exercise (he says he's always been interested in that field) then that's fine and we support that, but don't sign up for expensive classes with some mistaken belief that this is going to lead to a career and a more comfortable lifestyle.
So he recovered a bit from the stroke and got off that kick once the brain started working better. It was at this point that we decided we should get powers-of-attorney while he's still legally able to authorize it. It took a while to get them processed so, in the meantime, we went to the bank to put me on as a joint account owner. I needed this for a few days in case something happened before the PoA came through.
Well, as soon as the paperwork came in, my brother and I zipped over to get it signed and get myself taken back off his banking account. As it turns out, this was just in the nick of time. A few days later is when he got the insulin all screwed up and his brain went goofy again. Enter the internet again. The girlfriend called to tell us about the blood sugar problem (that got fixed after a visit to the doctor) and that he was back to worrying about his income. This time, he's contacting work-at-home websites, but these are the ones that pop up as ads on news sites and such - you know, the really reputable ones. LOL <sigh>
I made another excuse for a surprise visit but stopped by the bank first and got his account statement, fearing the worst. Sure enough, there are some charges that shouldn't be there and that I couldn't identify - a couple looked okay but at least two looked odd and, well, scammy. I talked to the banker and told her my concerns: someone scams him, he gives up account and routing numbers, and then it's all over. She says he used his debit card for the charges and there's nothing the bank can do about them. So I march on over to chew out Dad.
Sat down with them and explained that these places do not give a damn about him and all they want is his money. I made him explain what the charges were and he couldn't identify a couple of them. One was for some useless online TV service. To paraphrase the conversation, "Dad, if you want to watch TV online (he already has cable), there are a bazillion places to watch for free - and they're completely legal [mentioned hulu and the networks' own streaming stuff as examples]. I really wish you'd call me so I can check out this stuff before sign your life away with some contract you didn't bother reading. I don't want you pissing away your money but if it's something you really want and if it checks out, then I'll tell you that it's okay." Got the smile and nod, but we'll see how that goes. Another charge was for the work-at-home service. "Dad, you've been in and out of the working world for about 50 years. How many of those jobs required you to pay THEM money in order to work?" "A couple of them." "Oh, bullshit, Dad. Did the Air Force require $39.95 a month? The railroad? The apartment complex you worked for?" "No." "So, Dad, you see where I'm coming from? It is a rip-off" Another nod - no idea if it got through.
After that visit - and I told the banker the same thing - I was counting my lucky stars for getting my name off his account just in time. I could see him agreeing to some $600 a month service, or buying a 'high-quality' $2,000 computer that's worth about $150, and I'd be on the hook for it since he can't afford that crap. On the plus side, when my brother and I picked him up for an appointment yesterday, he and his grilfriend handed me a printed copy of a phishing scam and I immediately explained to them how they work and to never reply to these "bank" e-mails. He seemed to understand but all it will take is one mistake with the meds and then who knows what he'll bite on?
Anyway, apparently now we're dealing with incontinence. Friggin' wonderful. He won't admit that there's a problem so apparently I need to have a 'tough love' conversation with him in the next few days, and also get with his doctor to see if the meds are causing it or if it's simply something that comes from stroking out a few times - you know, permanent damage to part of the brain. If anything, this may be the straw that breaks the camel's back and pushes his girlfriend away. And then we're a bit hosed.
The problem is that we don't want to control his life, but we also don't want to see him make these stupid mistakes and spiral into fiscal and medical problems. It sometimes feels like dealing with the kid I never had; on the other hand you can ground and punish your kids. I'm trying to avoid sugar-coating anything since that doesn't seem to work at all. My brother and I are having a bit of a problem trying to figure out how much of his decision-making to take away. This is an adult who made his own bed and has to sleep in it, but it's also my dad. He's stubborn enough that he may just rebel, do his own thing, and end up pushing away his girlfriend. She's followed him a few times, and even went down south to help with the recovery after his heart surgery. Only so much one can take, tho, and he may be skirting that line with her. Gonna be tricky to explain this to him without making it sound like we're 'ganging-up' on him, treating him like a kid, or that he's a bother in our lives. If he takes it the wrong way then it's possible he'll shut us out and that's that.
Wow. Thats a toughie. It may be out of line to suggest this but have you had a chat with his girlfriend to see the lay of the land with her. It may be that shes ok with it and that your further stressing yourself when there is no need. As for how much decision making to take away. Thats even harder. Id say as much as is needed but that is useless as its dependant on so many variables. Are there any health/age concern charitys you could speak to for advice?
