Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Reminds me:
* George W. Bush's vice president was a Dick.


Kurt Gödel: There is no way to answer this question, and I have proof.

I was complaining about how
spellcheck changes the meaning
of e-mails when another Navy officer
told me this story: He had recently
sent a message to three hundred
of his personnel addressed to,
“Dear Sirs and Ma’ams.” It was
received as, “Dear Sirs and Mamas.”

What does a sad delicatessen make?

A sob-way sandwich!

A guy is walking through the country when he
spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.”
Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.

“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously.
“I was born in The Andes where I herded for an
entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police
force in New York and helped keep the city clean.
And now, I spend my days giving free rides to
underprivileged kids here in the country.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner,
“Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an
incredible animal?”

The owner says,
Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

What do you call a fur coat that is made of lycanthropes?

A wear wolf!

“I’m sick of following my dreams—I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.”

My post seems to have disappeared, apologies if it comes up again.

What do you call a rude pumpkin?

A jackass-o-lantern!

What do you call a penguin with residences at both the north and the south pole?


bipolar

What does an executioner get when he misbehaves?

An axe kicking!


What do you call a vampire who likes to cook?

Count Spatula!

What do you call a tailor who only works on pants?

a slacker

If you're sitting around with your thumb up your ass, how could you possibly think you were doing nothing. It just doesn't make sense.

... That's more of a comment, really.

I realize now that I have a serious addiction to math. All the sines were there. I had a hard time functioning. I'd go off on tangents all the time. In the beginning, I was in my prime and my life was on a great vector. Then, my problems began to multiply exponentially. Trouble had divided my relationships. Eventually, I felt subtracted from reality, to the point that I could not integrate. To sum things up, I never grasped the root of it all!

How does a mathematician get over constipation?

.

.

.

He works it out with a pencil.

Great one