My therapist says I've got a penchant for vengeance.

We'll see about that.

I can't make one coffee only, she would ask where is mine.

A barista at a small coffee shop was displeased with the meager contents of her tip jar. So, she posted a small note on it which read, "Just put in the tip and see how it feels."

I think my date might have been a vampire. I took her to Olive Garden and she died choking on the garlic bread sticks.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

I had an argument with some dice. It was very one-sided.

Are you made of copper and tellurium?

Because you're CuTe.

...i mean....it could happen.....
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fugging,_Upper_Austria

I once knew a jolly egg. I guess you could say his sunny side was up.

Why did the woodcutter have back problems?

He didn't use a chair with lumber support.

Why did the man rob the train?

I'm not sure, but I bet he had a loco motive.

Why was the funeral director angry at the mortician?

Because he didn't "urn" his pay!

Why did that moron throw the clock through the window?

To see time fly

Why did that twat put garlic on the main road?

To help the circulation

But the thing i still wonder is, why that blokes handjobbed themselves in front of the post office in spain?

Three strings walk in a bar They notice there is a sign that says "No strings served here".

The first string ignoring the sign walks up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "No strings served here"

The Second string goes up to the bar and sets a $100 bill on the counter and orders a beer.

The bartender says "No strings served here"

The third string figures it out. He twists himself around and messes up his hair. He walks up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "No strings served here"

The string says "I'm not a string"

The bartender says "you look like a string."

The string says "No, I'm a frayed Knot.

And a Baby Seal walks in to a club.....

Boom! Boom!