Once upon a time, in the mythical land of late '90s PC gaming, a brighteyed lad opened a glorious cardboard box containing a cloth map, some cards, a manual thicker than most modern novels, and a disk that promised adventure. What did I get?.... Bugged to hell. Save file corrupted faster than my hope. Cheesy voice acting that could peel paint. Perfection. So here I am again, voluntarily launching myself headfirst into the digital dumpster fire that is Ultima IX: Ascension. The controls feel like someone mapped them during a seance. Combat? Like wrestling a baguette underwater. Dialogue? Voiced by what I assume were the devs' cousins after a couple of pints. And yet… I’m here. Smiling. Because despite the jank, the chaos, and Lord British talking like he just woke up from a nap he started in 1994, this game had heart. The world felt alive. You could pick up objects! Objects!! Back then that was black magic. And when it worked (rare, sacred moments), it was majestic. Like watching a unicorn gallop through a swamp of bad framerate. This was supposed to be the epic finale to a legendary RPG saga. And in many ways… it was. Just not for the reasons anyone intended. It was ambitious. It was a mess. It was the last hurrah of the pre-modern era, a monument to a time when devs swung for the stars and occasionally hit themselves in the face. In summary: Cloth map: 10/10 Save system: why Voice acting: gloriously awful Controls: invented in a dream Heart :way more than most AAA titles today Would I recommend it? Absolutely. If you want to laugh, cry, and question your life choices Ultima IX delivers. Now if you'll excuse me, I’m off to get stuck on a rock texture for the fifth time today.