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Guys, the game is sitting there, tantalizing me with "make sure your joystick is connected." I have two Sidewinders here and can't find a usb converter for either of them that will work! Is there a Win7 usb joystick option that will not break my bank and that someone can assure me will not suck, or is there a not-time-consuming way to make my joysticks work?

Thanks!
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If those are MS Sidewinders FFB Pro's, I had no luck with USB converters myself and apparently it needs some very special DIY adapter to make it work. :^(

https://code.google.com/p/adapt-ffb-joy/

The best value for money joystick I can recommend is the Thrustmaster T.16000M it should cost you about $50,- and is as durable as the old CH sticks and very accurate, one of the better sticks I've owned at least.

http://www.thrustmaster.com/products/t16000m
You'll definitely have to make a 3DP-Vert adapter out of a Teensy board using the aforementioned link.

The reason is simple: Microsoft uses a digital gameport interface, communicating via a sound card gameport's MIDI pins. It's the only way they could've implemented functionality beyond the basic 4 axes and 4 buttons that the analog gameport interface provides without resorting to keyboard emulation for additional buttons.

Most USB adapters are only made for analog gameport interfaces, and the SideWinder 3D Pro was the only one to have any analog fallback modes (either a Thrustmaster FCS or CH Flightstick Pro) whatsoever, which still wasn't ideal compared to running in native digital mode due to the four base buttons being useless and sacrificing either your throttle axis (TM FCS) or the ability to hold down multiple buttons (CH FSP) to implement the hat switch.

The 3DP-Vert adapter code is specially designed to read the Microsoft digital interface, so that's why it works.

That said, there's going to be DIY involved, and given the cost of a Teensy board compared to the T.16000-M that'll only cost you $25 during a nice Micro Center sale...
I have a Sidewinder with the USB adapter, but mine won't stay centered. Feels tight enough but way too much play in the center that I can't correct.

Thankfully I also have a Sidewinder Force Feedback 2 that is only USB, but it needs some fixing on 2 of its buttons after being in storage for years.