Joppo and I invented this game on another page, and I wanted to create a dedicated forum for it. The person above you asks how to complete some part of an imaginary video game. (Get an item, open a door, find a person, etc.) You respond in as much detail as possible, yet find you have forgotten some crucial step, and must ask the person below you how to complete it. For an example, check out the original page here.

Now: How am I supposed to find the Wizard?

(This game has been going for a while now. I offer credit to SirPrimalForm for creating it originally)
to find the wizard you have to get to his tower, which is blocked by an old iron gate. The town blacksmith will let you borrow his hammer if you bring him 12 goblin skins. But the goblin skins aren't farmed from goblins, so you need to go to the woods. Actually, I can't remember where to get the goblin skins. Can you help?

I've been waiting for this for a long time, I never did find that wizard.

(Sidenote: For actual long FAQ examples, I'd think that Legend of Mana probably has one of the longest FAQs out there.)

To find the wizard is quite simple, really. I'm not sure why you even had to ask.

You see, after the introductions are over, you have to slowly meander out of bed; I'm not sure why the devs thought it would be fun to give your character such a slow walking speed. Once you've finally crawled towards the dresser, click it and pilfer every last item. So obviously, there should be an apple, two books of plot dump, and a weird trinket. Whatever you do, DO NOT SELL THIS WEIRD TRINKET.

Now you might think any sensible adventure game would have you done with just one dresser, but that would imply the developers of this game were competent. So unless your build started with Cat's Eyes, grab the torches from your room and then open the chest next to the door. This stuff is only important if you were insane enough to play with the survival mechanics on. The game is already enough of a slog without these, so I'm not sure why you'd activate them in the first place.

Finally, once you go out the door, you'll be forced into a conversation with someone who warns you of the general foreboding. Now you won't know it yet, but this is the wizard you seek. In order to find this out, you have to go though the town. In the town, there will be the local pickpocket who offers to buy the weird trinket. Refused his offer and dispatch of him as you see fit, as his body was guarding the entrance to a small dungeon filled with cave rats. Normally, you'd need to grind up to the first level to even have a chance against them, but this isn't a fair game to begin with. Once you've managed to clear them out, only then will you find a message left by the wizard.

Slog back out of the dungeon, ignore anything that's trapped, and out of town, across the crossroads from your house, and finally over to the wizard's hut. You'll have to solve an annoying puzzle in order to get in, and I hope you invested at least a point into mechanics. Then, and only then do you find the wizard.


Now then:

How do I get rid of this damned ring?

In order to get Goblin skins, you have to find the monster hunter. He hasn't been able to hunt in awhile, because his enchanted blade has been disenchanted by a wood mage. He'll give you a goblin skin every time you give him 2 magic-infused items, (It's easiest to get these from the Torlacc Cultists in the Eastern Desert) but to get the last goblin skin, you must re-enchant his sword. I can't quite remember how to do this, can you help me out?

Cool. I knew it was a common forum in-joke, having seen it pulled many times before when people requested assistance in threads where you have to wonder what game they are talking about. Nice to see its point of origin, tho.

But there's a difference. While in the original thread it was a long string of unrelated reasons why the wizard couldn't be found, here the OP organized it as a continuous game of a chain of deals. (warning: link to TvTropes) You can take his sword to the old sage that lives in the cottage near the windmill. But the enchantment is complicated and he will need a magical tome from the library.
I remember the librarian is not warm to the idea of people taking books out of the library, but I can't remember how you sneak it out. Does anybody remember?

Oh, that's simple. You have to sneak out a window with it. The problem is, all the windows are at the top of the shelves, and all the ladders are in use! So you have go to around the library, finding books and fetching them to the right people, before you finally get the ladder next to the open window. The thing is, the librarians have sentries who patrol, so you have to tarry about until you find a valid opening in their walk.

The thing is, I'm not quite sure how to go down the well without dying.

Yeah, the well part is a bit tricky, took me a while to figure it out.

So first, make sure to go all the way to the fourth floor of Jambalaya Corp's HQ to get to Jamal's office during the second mission. It's a small room, and you should see a table with a document folder on it titled "Mayor Dick's Proposal". If you finished the level without doing it, you need to reload (yeah, trust me, I hate that sort of game design too) because you won't be able to get down the well in mission 4.

Anyway, just read through the four documents (make sure to click through all of them) and your character's going to comment on how stupid Mayor Dick is, which will trigger a cutscene during which... Well, I don't want to spoil it. Anyway, you'll understand why you can go down the well safely now.

Make sure to Quick Save before doing it though because at the bottom of the well, there's this seemingly unkillable lizard monster... I don't remember what you had to do to kill it though, I think you had to use an item or something, can someone remember?

It's actually not a lizard monster, but a Grue. But yeah, the art department screwed that one up, so the mistake is a common one. When you point at that lizard-like shadow it clearly says "Grue" in the mouse hint though.
Like all Grues this thing is vulnerable to light so the first thing you need to do is stay in the small spot from the well entrance above and watch its movement pattern. When you check your inventory, you'll find that your oil lamp is broken from the jump into the well. All you have left is a few shards, some bent metal and the ... (*yuck*) you got from Major Dick, which is now oil-drenched. Now look around, there is are three openings, one patched up with a leather skin, one with an iron grating with a lock. Watch the grue, when it's opposite of the skin-closed opening, run towards it cut through it with the glass shards. Behind it you'll find three empty bottles which you need to pick up. You have to be really quick about it and make it back into the spot of light, or the Grue will eat you.
Now do the same with the iron grating - be sure to save before. You have to pick the lock with the bent pieces of metal which are left over from the lamp. This is a horrible minigame which is really a question of luck. Take too long... you know what happens...
Behind the grating is a barrel of rum, which you need to fill into two of the three bottles.
Now cut the oil-drenched ... into two pieces and with the two rum-filled bottles, create two Molotovs. Now for the third opening - this is actually the exit. It's a long dark corridor, which you need to run into. When the Grue comes close (sound clues, headphones are recommended), light one of the Molotovs and throw it behind you.
The problem is, I can't remember, how you lit the Molotov... there was something else you needed... Anyone got a clue?

The easiest way to light the Molotov is to use a box of matches. These may seem like a bit of an anachronism, but you can nonetheless find them on the skeleton of a time traveler who has made some very poor destination choices. To reach him, you must move the barrel to the side, (otherwise, you'll have to restart, which can be very annoying considering the grate opening minigame) and crawl into the hidden prison room. Once you get the matches, you can light the Molotov, escape the Grue, and get outside.

Make sure you save in the clearing just outside the Grue's lair. Otherwise, you'll inevitably have to go through the whole ordeal again.

Now things get interesting. Mayor Dick's police force have orders to capture you dead or in bad shape. You can't use the Molotov because you need it later. All you have to do to defeat them is... sorry, how do you defeat them exactly?

You don't defeat them, but you can evade them. Start by picking up the well's bucket and rope. Go right to the goat pen with a goat statue in front. See that mount on the ground surrounded by flies? Yep, that's manure. Fill the bucket with the nasty stuff. Go back past the clearing to the well's screen

Climb the tree, use the bucket on the branch, then the rope on the bucket. Now use the other end of the rope with the rocks on the other side of the path. Your character will loop the rope around the stump and tie the other end to the rocks, creating a "trip wire" sort of trap. Hide on the bushes.

One of the cops will enter the screen, trigger the trap and go away furious because he was hit by the manure. He will drop a whistle. Pick it and go back to the goat pen. Use the whistle to call the rest of the policemen.
Now, this part would be completely unexpected for those that didn't talk a lot to the officer when we were back in town. He mentioned how he loves goats and always wished he had one for himself, right?

Lucky for you, the statue is hollow so your character will pull a Trojan Goat and be led to the camp where the cops are making their base during the manhunt.
Even luckier, you will be able to get out of the statue before you're scarred for life. You just avoided years of therapy, whew! The guy you covered in manure will be there when you get out, but he will be taking a really long bath and won't notice you. Pick up the clean clothes he so helpfully prepared for you. Now fully disguised, you can wander around with impunity.

Now that you're free to roam you're back on track. Your next goal is inside the town hall, but there's a crowd protesting in front and they won't let you in. So now you, uh... How do you enter the town hall again? Keep reading this thread to know what went wrong.

If there is one game where it won't look like one, it is this. One poster shapes the game's world like medieval fantasy, the next one suddenly brings modern tropes to the mix, the next throws everyone into a wild west saloon. It makes for a hilarious mix of anachronism everywhere. I bet there will be a space ship or station or something like that before post 25.

Do you mean the first time or the second time?

The first time actually has to be done in the distant future. You need to find the time machine in blacksmith's barn. However, the time machine needs to get up to 88 miles per hour in order to function, so you'll need to get the alchemist's rockets to get enough speed. The alchemist won't part with them for anything less than a shrubbery, which can be obtained by shouting "nih" in the town square until a shrubbist challenges you. Once you have the shrubbist's attention you can purchase a shrubbery but you must have exact change so ensure you have copper pieces in your inventory. Now you can get back to the time machine and head to the future (make sure to go to the future; if you go to the past you're going the long way and will completely change your route through the game).

Once you arrive in the future you must evade the roaming mutants. You should have the clown nose by now, so just honk it to make them laugh while you make a getaway. If you don't have a clown nose for some reason you can run to the old library which the mutants won't enter for some reason. Anyways, at this point you need to get the crowbar (the one you got in the past to break into the sewers won't work for some reason; it has to be a modern crowbar). There are a number of places you can pick up the crowbar, but the easiest is to go to the mesa outside of town. Proceed until the reach an area where the ground turns black, then search for the entrance to the hidden ruins. Inside you'll find a man in power armor trapped in a stasis pod with his trusty crowbar stored close by. Take it; he's never going to be woken from his stasis.

Once you have the crowbar you can finally break into the town hall, which is abandoned and boarded up. Most of the windows are impervious to the crowbar, but the second story windows can be pried open. You must do this at exactly 9:00 PM as otherwise a mutant will spot you and chase you off. You're supposed to do this whole infiltration mission to learn their patrol schedules but if you know the correct time you can skip that. And now you're inside the town hall and can finally search for those incriminating documents in the city archives.

Getting into the town hall the second time is actually a bit easier. You just get inside of the stasis pod after your time machine overshoots you into the distant past. When you wake up it turns out the town hall was built around your stasis pod and you're inside its basement. It's getting out that's the hard part, and unfortunately I'm stuck on that. Pretty sure I missed something earlier and I'll need to reload to progress.

Can anyone tell me how I'm supposed to remove the evil wizard's curse that keeps the fat man lodged in the town hall's doorway?

So this is a bit of a spoiler, but the wizard duped you. There is no curse, only an obese man lodged in a doorway. But the real curse is the sidequest you'll have to go on in order to dislodge him. You can't start this any earlier than Chapter 4, but it becomes locked out after Chapter 8.

Anyway, with that shocking unreveal out of the way, you need to find a special kind of grease, normally used only in the Mines of Rust. But the foreman won't give up valuable grease so easily. You're going to have to do a serious series of quests in order to get this grease. And a large part of it involves fixing the broken wheels of the great bureaucracy, helping people get picks down to shafts that haven't had any for three months, that sort of thing.

But anyway, after the long series of menial tasks, you'll be allowed to get your grease. It's important not to jump down any faces, or get into combat with it. Once you're back in town, you'll find that the grease is a good start, but you'll also need some butter. Hopefully on hand or purchased from the nearby bakery. The man will be freed and fall though the floor, revealing a dungeon and his corpse.

And that's fine and dandy at all, but it gets me no closer to getting this spyglass out of the clockworks without causing the entire thing to collapse. Any ideas?

Now you can finally go to the wizard's tower. Give the 12 goblin skins to the town blacksmith, get the hammer, and repair the old iron gate. Walk up the stone steps to the tower, and ring the doorbell.

It turns out the wizard isn't home. This makes sense, because this is his summer tower, and it is now the middle of Autumn. You are instead greeted by the wizard's groundskeeper, who thanks you for fixing the gate. He'd have done it himself, but when he was an adventurer like you, he took an arrow to the knee. He also wonders why you took all the trouble to find those goblin skins, since the back gate works just fine. He gives you a Bottle of Time, which supposedly you can use as many times as you want but only works in this one scenario.

Now go back to the clockworks, stop time, and replace the spyglass with the second molotov from the Grue's cave. You can then take the spyglass to the old captain at the seaside village. He thanks you and gives you the keys to his boat.

Once you set sail, it begins to storm. The waves toss and turn your craft, finally capsizing it. The boat washes up on a seemingly deserted island. You must find a way to explore and escape.

Now how are you supposed to get off the island without either getting eaten by sharks or keel-hauled by the ninja-pirate clan?