So i found out my dad died, last i heard from him was 16 years ago... it was a card on xmas with $100 in it and it was "my sincere condolences on your fathers passing" his way of disowning me....

since then i have gotten a good job, married and had kids... he never knew any of this... I dont know how to feel or what to do... the showing is tomorrow.

I have often wanted to reconcile and talk to him, but... I missed that chance. The obituary doesn't even mention me or my mother. How does that happen?

I'm very sorry man, I'm probably well on the way to the same situation. been about 6 years for me so far.

Even though it sounds like a very complicated relation between you and your father, I'm really sorry for your loss.

Since you post here, I'll give you a piece of my mind about this matter, being in a similar situation.

16 years is a lot of time for both sides to make amends. That didn't happen, regardless of your intention to do it but ultimate failure to do so. Whether it was also intended or not by your father will probably never be known.

But what it is known is that family isn't always blood, and more often than not, it grows up outside of home. If, after being disowned, none of the sides tried to change it, I think it's pretty clear than the family part is long gone.
Respect, affection and love are earned, and from what I read, it seems he did not earn his part during 16 long years.

Perhaps it is a harsh thing to say, but when someone cuts ties, they're cut for good and bad things.

You seem to have done well enough without him, I'd suggest to keep going like that. Not to discard the memory and make it like he didn't exist of course, but to realize that's an already closed chapter.

From the few things that I gather from this, I do not think you owe anything to the man, he made that clear. Specialy when not mentioned, I would not assist to the showing. Putting a facade and assisting would mean little, next to nothing, to the only person that would make something out of it...

You're free to mourn him or not: if so, my condolences; if not, up to you.

If you want to sort out what's going inside that mind of yours, go ahead and speak it out. More often than not, putting a voice to one's thoughts helps.

Sincerely, are you asking for sympathy or our thoughts?
Reason being, I haven't known my biological father since I was born. I'm now 29, Married, 3 kids, study (because that's what I need to get a fucking job around here).
I don't care if that man has been half of the reason I was brought into this world; if he died today I would not shed a second, or tear for him.

I'm sorry for your loss, if condolence is what you'd like; if not, well thank you for sharing even though you didn't need to. Your life seems to be very well, despite his involvement. That and your family's, is something you should only worry about.

I'm okay with this being on a gaming forum, because it is in general discussion. I imagine the two-faced regulars with embrace you too, despite their previous objection to 'non-gaming' discussions.

Interesting... I am very thankfull to my dad. He showed me the way how I should never behave or act. Didn't talk to him since 15 years and don't plan to. No idea if he shared the fate of what is with your dad already. But we all meet there anyway. Whole is somewhat similar to the dad of Carlos "Chuck" Norris.

We love and respect our dads for such valuable lessons, its all good.

If the OP is anything like me at times, he probably feels conflicted. Probably want/wants/wanted to reconnect, but either thought against it, didn't want to or didn't know how to. I probably wouldn't have seen mine for probably around 11-12 years if it hadn't been for mom passing away and at times I wish I could reconnect, but then remember I get no calls to find out how I'm doing, no happy birthday cards, nothing for Xmas, so then I just say fuck it and him.

This hit home, and makes sense... it is a closed chapter and maybe thats how it should stay... he was my father, he tried to be good (or maybe thats how i see it with rose tinted glasses of my memories) i cant decipher truth from imagination now... thank you I wanted thoughts, i feel confused sad happy its weird... the forum for better or worse is a home for me.. ive been here a long time and i believe in everyone here.. He had a place but because so estranged it feels almost as if he never existed.... advice given is taken to heart so thank you... You hit home more then you know... this is exactly how it goes with me (minus the mother passing, sorry for your loss; as a single parent raised I understand more then most I imagine).... I even tried to reach out and got nothing in return... but still hes my father and i feel like i should? but then why...

I didn't think this would be so hard... i thought this would be bring closure and comfort but its just confusing... \

truly, thank you all for your words.

*pats your back* Thanks man, yeah that's exactly how I feel at times too. At some points I want to, then at others no way in hell but the way I see it from my own position and own situation. He's the parent he should want to more than I do. I'd be damned if I didn't know how my child, adult or not is doing.

Well, it happens. My father died, he was never in my life, I saw him few times before he drank himself in the grave. He seemed to be a simple man. I kinda feel bad that perhaps when he died I should have felt something but I didn't much. I still dont.

Damn, this thread is making me all the more grateful for my late dad (never estranged & he wasn't a cad) and all the time we spent together

Condolences where apropos

There's an old saying that goes "you can choose your friends, but I can't choose your family". Based on the experiences I've had and what I've observed in others, I say this is completely wrong.
Now, to warn you, I'm not exactly as old as...well, anybody else here (I'm 18), so of course I'm not old enough to have had the same sort of experiences in life as many of you had, so you could very well consider my opinion invalid.
However, the way I see it, your "family" isn't necessarily who you were born with or who you grew up with. It's the people in your life you've formed close connections with, the people who you care about and who you know care about you. In this sense, someone who is a "close friend" is, from my point of view, your family if they matter to you. You don't have to be blood related to them at all.

This may sound a bit harsh, but I'd say that if your dad never bothered to contact you for 16 years, he wasn't your family. He ceased to be relevant to your life and failed to hold any relationship with you. Now, this doesn't necessarily mean you should hate him or be ungrateful for whatever relationship or good times you had in the past, but I'd say look at it like the passing of an acquaintance.

As far as attending the showing goes, you shouldn't feel obligated. As Nagrarok said, don't pretend to feel something you don't. From how you've described him, the only reason I could see that you'd want to go is to connect with other family members who're going.

That's the thing about feelings - they come and go as they please, independent of our mind and thoughts. You just feel.

R.I.P. man who brought greater man into existence.

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