TL;DR = I believe I am suffering from PTSD and am seeking help. I am sharing some of my experiences with the hope that others may share theirs(be anonymous and say 'a friend' if need be) to further my understanding of myself and others so I can find a path of healing that works. I am 38 years old and this battle is wearing me out. I share myself and my experiences like this, because I find out society to be lacking in understanding of what creates "monsters" and that help is so hard to find. If even one person can gain something from this sharing, then I the energy I expend writing this is worthwhile. I am most likely that one person, as writing is one of my paths to healing.

I searched and could not find a thread on PTSD here, and that could be due to GOG's shitty forum search feature, so I felt the need to start one myself. I am unsure of how to start this thread nor do I know exactly what it is I want to say or achieve from creating this thread, so I will write from the heart as per usual, and hopefully do so in a way that is clear enough for others to understand and perhaps share their experiences or the experiences of others they care for.

For a brief overview of what PTSD is, I would recommend reading this article that has prompted me to try to find some help for myself.

For as long as I can remember, I have been trying to find out what is wrong with me, in order to find a path of healing and way forward. I have spoken to at least 30 doctors, counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists, and have received very little help by doing so. Part of the issue is our healthcare system and the expense of seeing specialists(and finding the right one), especially when my main (and at this stage only) source of income is a disability pension. I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant bi-polar(meaning the drugs don't work - diagnosis came in 2006 from me answering the K10 questionnaire twice in a month and being told I need to be on medication for life, which I see as absolute bullshit) as well as ADHD later in life. Dexamphetamines sure made me feel better and more able to function for the year that I was on them(2011-12), but overall seriously adversely affected my health. Every pill that I have been prescribed usually causes more problems than it solves. The only medication besides the ones I self-medicate with that helps is Clonidine. Anything that prevents or mimimises adrenal surges or affects the GABA receptors seems to be effective. The main issue with medication is that I need to cycle between things as tolerance and side effects build with continued use.

Cognitive behavioural therapy has been mostly useless, and that is probably due to me not finding the right specialist nor having a good understanding of myself, my triggers, and at times getting exhausted telling the same story with a lack of an empathetic ear, during the times when I was seeking help in the past. I cannot share myself with people one on one who are lacking an emotional understanding of what severe life trauma is like. "Get over it", "all parents love their children", "it is all in your head" etc are some of the responses that have caused me to struggle to communicate about this in the past. I have attempted to talk to both of my parents on many occasions about this, and their denial has made things worse for me.

I know that the majority of my trauma comes from my childhood, and how I interact with others on an interpersonal level stems from that trauma. I cannot remember most of my childhood but I do remember the drug and alcohol fuelled violence, the conflict, the fear, the nightmares, bed-wetting, learning to lucid dream to escape, finding solace in books and computer games and spending as much time at friend's houses as I could. I have moments of flashbacks of my childhood, which is like watching a slideshow of various places I visited or experienced. Some of those images are very disturbing, and I do not know exactly what happened, other than my brain still needs to protect me and block them out. I have had severe nightmares for as long as I can remember but they have gotten better over the years. The nightmares are all about violence and rape; feeling helpless and often resulting in me being killed. The worst ones are where I am letting out my rage on those I care for and I feel very depressed after those dreams.

I can remember every abusive moment during my teenage years, and those I really struggle to deal with to this day. I used all of my willpower not to snap and kill my mother, and instead took it out on myself by cutting myself and punching and smashing things and screaming, and turning to drugs and alcohol at 15, something I still struggle with to this day. The universe showed me what it would have been like if I had killed my mother, through the eyes and experiences of my childhood friend Michael, who stabbed his mother in the head and neck 37 times whilst she slept. He couldn't find peace with what he did, and killed himself 2 years ago.

There aren't many people who have maintained contact with me in the long term, and I can understand why. They enjoy the more positive and balanced side of me that I can express in brief moments(there have been periods of me being more consistently like that) but the moment my darkness, demons or "beast within" as I call it is shown, people cease contact.

My life has felt like one constant war, a war with myself and with others. I know that this war is one that is with myself due to the trauma I have been through, and my attempts to find a peaceful path forward have had mixed results. I know that when I express my rage, criticism of others and blaming them for how I feel, that I am projecting, generally a projection of past trauma into a present moment. There is such a strong part of me that wants to isolate myself from others and put my survival skills to use and live in the wilderness, but I also know that I would struggle with the isolation.

I am fortunate to have a loving and understanding partner, and am surprised that we have just passed the 2 year mark, given the challenges we have had together (she is autistic and has a very poor memory from head trauma from falling off a mountain when she was 16). I do not do well alone nor do I do well with close interpersonal relationships. The past year has also been the most challenging one that I can remember. Living with my girlfriend and her father, and seeing the interaction between her parents, has brought out a lot from within that I thought was healed. The past year has been the most contact I have had with both of my parents since my mother kicked me out of home on Christmas Eve in 1995. The death of my maternal grandfather, a war veteran who suffered from PTSD, has really hit me hard over this Christmas/New Year period.

I am going to try to explain briefly what it is like to be me and why I believe PTSD is the most accurate diagnosis for why I am the way I am, in the hope that someone out there can relate to and perhaps share some experiences and what has helped them or someone they know. I have spoken to many war veterans, and the stories they have shared and how they are as a result of those traumatic experiences once returning to civilian life, is something I can strongly relate to.

Every time I leave the house I am on guard. I size up each and every person I walk past, and have learned to trust my senses and intuition to determine potential threats. I have some martial arts training: muay thai, boxing, Aikido, Brazillian jujitsu, basic grappling, knife, arnis, Japanese and Italian renaissance sword fighting, brutal self defence techniques including extensive knowledge of anatomy with pressure points and mechanical advantage. Basically what works in real life fighting situations rather than combat sports. It was engaging in full contact sparring, something that I have not felt vital enough to get back to, that helped me to be more relaxed when potential conflicts occur. I have used communication to avoid physical altercations more than my training but prior to that training, I have engaged in countless fights, some of which I started and others that I reacted to in self defence.

When I was younger, I took my rage out on others, people who in those adrenal moments I considered worthy of such violence. That is not something I am proud of. I have been noticing that desire has been arising strongly again. When in a rage, usually prompted by an argument with one I love, I head to areas(the equivalent would be heading to an area with heavy gang activity if I were in the USA) where I am likely to find someone to take that anger out on someone who I deem in that moment, to be someone deserving of that anger. I am not myself in those moments. By that, I mean that I am not the calmer and more loving version of myself that I try to be. I am psychopathic in those moods. I WANT to hurt someone. Fortunately for myself and others, I have not engaged in such non-consensual physical conflict in a long time. Multiple times last year I almost hopped on a train to go to my mother's house to reciprocate the abuse and hurt I have held within for so long. If I did so, I would be in gaol or in a psych ward as I do no think I could hold back.

Wall of text.. I'm gonna read (eventually) it but 38 old you said I'm 32 yours of youngevitity.

You actually look so old that you feel it.. So, feel younger.

The effects of constantly being in an adrenal fuelled state has been quite draining and damaging to my health. It has also been very damaging to those I care for, as I take out my rage on others I care for with words. Heavy depression always follows and then I isolate myself again. I am learning to find strategies to stop conflict from escalating, such as using a hand signal that means "time out", going for a power walk or unleashing on my punching bag. To those who suggest "meditation" as has been commonly suggested to me, I would say try to attempt meditating in the middle of combat. It is not possible. It does work well if used preemptively, and by that I mean if deep breathing or meditating is done early in the day to make me more relaxed overall. The same goes for exercise and spending time alone in nature. Music also helps me greatly to release the strong emotional blocks that I feel arise within when some form of crisis or perceived crisis occurs. My two biggest triggers are home and relationship instability.

I have lost my ability to do those things in life that I used to enjoy thoroughly. I cannot seem to relax enough to play a game(ironic given I have close to 2000 games across various platforms) or read a book. I struggle constantly with sleep, to get to sleep or to stay asleep, without the use of drugs. Almost every day last year, I woke up angry and wasn't really "here" in those moments. It was like waking up in the middle of a fight and seeing every being near me as an enemy and that they were to blame for how I was feeling. That has been very challenging on my relationship. My nerves have been on edge so much since I moved into this house, that every sound that I wasn't used to would send me into combat mode. I live across the road from a park where people often drink late at night, and if I heard conflict I would grab a weapon and head straight towards it. Once my adrenaline gets set off like that, it takes me about 2 hours to feel peaceful enough to rest.

I have realised that I can no longer live in this house. I need my house to be a place of peace and calm. I need my space to be my own, to have control over it in the way I didn't as a child nor have I really had since sharing houses with other people. I am heading to another town 40 minutes away(as I have friends there) to start looking for somewhere new to live. I cannot see how this move will be possible, with 3-4 cats and one dog and partner possibly moving with me, as an ex-bankrupt, on a disability pension, with $2000 worth of debt I have swiftly racked up over the most challenging time of year for me - December. I have a great rental history but the market is challenging in Australia for those on low incomes.

I have also realised after calling Lifeline(the suicide prevention hotline) 2 nights ago to talk about some of this, that I am in serious need of help. Learning what I have control over and can accept as part of myself vs what I can and cant change has been a very challenging learning experience, and at times death seems the easiest option. I cannot leave my loved ones nor those I am responsible for, as I was abandoned by both of my parents and do not ever wish to do that to another. I attempted suicide in 2011 and divine intervention prevented me from dying. I was told by an iconic Jesus figure whilst in respiratory failure(ironic given I am not religious) that they understood my pain, why I was hurting so much and had chosen that path, but that they would intervene that once. If I try again, that is my choice and intervention will not occur again.

To those of you who have read all of this deeply personal story, thank you. For those who wonder why I choose a gaming forum to share this, it is because I have connected with many wonderful people here who have provided much needed support, love and understanding in times of crisis. This is a small step towards me seeking and hopefully finding the help that I need.

Any sharing of experiences or things that have worked for yourself or others who can relate to what I have written are greatly appreciated <3 The rest of the wall of text followed your post. GOG let's people spam 1000 topics at once (happened recently) but doesn't appreciate my verbosity to get a wall of text in one posting. It took me breaking it into 3 posts to do so.

My friend understands how you feel.

This sounds really serious and I really can't say I know how you feel. There are certain things that I may be able to identify with, but in a much much more watered down version.

To be honest - and I do not know if you want to hear this - the best option may really be to get some professional help in a psychiatric ward or something. The problem is, I really don't know if that really helps people or not. But the situation you're in does seem really serious and I really do wish you (and your close ones) the best.

Has anyone ever evaluated you for Intermittent Explosive Disorder? I have a relative with an allied condition, and your story sounds very similar. It may not mean much coming from an anonymous internet typist, but I'm proud of you for continuing to seek answers and solutions.

Edit: I had to double-check to make I had the name of my cousin's condition correct before posting. He's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which also tends to co-occur with bipolar, child abuse, and sometimes PTSD. I know that with a correct diagnosis, educating himself and his friends/family, therapy, and medication, he has been able to improve his life significantly. Please don't stop searching for help.

I don't have time to read it all now, but I skimmed your posts.

We all need help, sometimes. Every single one of us. I too, suffer from PTSD as well as schizo-effective disorder (Schizophrenia with Bi-Polar tendencies).

What I can tell you is that if you believe the meds aren't working, they won't. If you believe they are, they're more likely to help.

The anxiety and adrenaline that comes from PTSD I've found to dissipate only with time and the eventual attitude I took a few months back of "Fuck this shit. I'm not going to be a prisoner of my own mind ANYMORE."

I have had a history of triggers that I can't seem to escape from, and I can also tell you that sometimes you need more than one of a particular type of drug to fix the issues you have upstairs. I take 2 antipsychotics, 1 antidepressant, and 1 antianxiety med every day. Is it recommended for most people? No, but for me I've managed to get some semblance of life back when in the past I was virtually comatose outside of WoW.

Gaming makes sense, because gaming is an escape, and a beautiful art form. Recently I've turned back to books and am trying to replace my gaming hobby at least partially with reading. Reading helps a lot.

Cognitive therapy also helps a lot too, but you have to keep working at it constantly, it isn't like the shrink tells you "Ok when you have a panic attack you're at a red light. What do all red lights eventually do? That's right, turn green" - they're not going to give you the skills and magically and deliciously they work right away. Your brain is like any other muscle, it takes practice to get that muscle memory to reform and reshape into a positive experience of the joy of being alive.

You're a good person and I wish nothing but the best for you. If it helps, at one point I was thoroughly convinced I'd end up in an asylum the rest of my life, and these days after cognitive behavioral therapy and tweaking of meds over several years, I'm in a mostly (what passes for) normal state of being. Do I still have symptoms? Every day. But now I have a better understanding of how to deal with this shit, and certain things I know, I just cannot do. One of those is work full time.

I hope this helps,
~Leu

is there a way to get more attention by drama?

PTSD is a serious condition and whereas a forum/community can provide moral and emotional support, it is no substitute for professional help. I understand that professionals have been unable to "cure" PTSD for you thus far, but perhaps that should not be your goal for the moment - rather they can help you manage "PTSD" better and thus improve your quality of life and that of those around you.

Care to elaborate?

based on previous posts and threads by tarnicus, i see this thread as a useless and cheap attempt to exploit the suffering of others (veterans with ptsd) to gain attention by a drama queen.

Just thinking about what you're going through raises my anxiety levels. I'm sorry to see that someone wants to make you ashamed of your mental health issue by basically calling you a drama queen. It's one of the reasons I'm not shy about discussing my own mental problems in public forum.

I unfortunately cannot help much as I'm one of the lucky ones that seem to respond well to treatment with only light side effects from my medications. I don't have any more than a banality to offer: Take life one day at a time.

Actually that is not so banal. It is a good advice. Don't plan too much for the future - it will only make you stressed. Also, when fighting traumatic memories, don't dwell in the past. You can't change it. Period. I have to learn to accept that too. Of course some memories have to be reprocessed to be able to cope with them at some time. But you shouldn't do the reprocessing alone and not every day. Talk them over with some professional help and try to leave them out of your daily life. Try to live in the present, here and now, one day after the other. One step after the other. That is enough of a challenge for now. No need to increase the pressure on yourself by worrying about the future and the past.

Do you know imagination exercises? Where you retreat to a safe place inside your mind. Or where you create an imaginary place (or safe) where you can store bad memories for later reprocessal? Lock them away for a while. Not for good, not trying to get rid of them. But to work with them in a suitable setting with help.

About help: try to get into some psychotherapeutic institute. Not a regular psychiatric ward (they are for emergencies if you need medication to function), but somewhere where you can actually work on your issues. And you might look up some Therapist offering a treatment with EMDR. I know quite some trauma patients, where this technique helped greatly.

No time to read much. But if you haven't seen a psychiatrist already, do so. I already forgot all of the different therapies and what they are used for, but I'm not sure if CBT was what I remember as used for PTSD. Someone else mentioned Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), and that could be the case, but I also seem to recall that extreme irritability is under there on the symptoms of PTSD, so I would lean more toward whatever IED being due to the underlying PTSD.

All I can say is, the longer it has been going on, the more deeply entrenched it is, which means it will take a greater deal of treatment and effort to minimize the effects of the disease to such a degree to make it at least tolerable.

Hang in there, and really see a good psychiatrist.