Posted on: September 10, 2025
conrad42
Games: 274 Reviews: 2
A new low for GOG
Intentionally trying to offend people just isn't funny.
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The Procession to Calvary
Description
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for [just one more murder…] -Ecclesiastes 3:8
Story
Huzzah! The holy war is over! Your oppressors have been vanquished, the churches of the Old God lay in ruin and thousands of innocent people have been murdered! But it's not all good news; the tyrant Heavenly Peter has escaped your clutches, and you have been tasked with the mission of finding him...
Your journey will take you through a richly detailed landscape built from hundreds of different Renaissance paintings. You will steal a ship, feed a donkey, compete in a talent contest, assist an inept street magician, sing, dance, play the (magic?) flute, poke a man's face, hunt for treasure and have a chat with Our Lord God Almighty... But will you find Heavenly Peter? And if you do, how will you take your revenge!?
Features
Pointing and Clicking – A traditional point and click interface, with a 'verb coin' interaction menu and a simple inventory from which you can drag and drop your preciously hoarded items.
Renaissance Artwork – Paintings by Rembrandt, Botticelli, Michelangelo and many more are brought together into one consistent world, in a way that is also as sympathetic as possible to the original works.
Classical Music – a soundtrack selected to fit with the style of the artwork. Music from classical composers such as Vivaldi, Bach and George Frideric Handel will accompany you on your journey.
Standalone Story – The Procession to Calvary is set in the same world as Four Last Things, but its story can be played independently.
Optional Murder – You will be equipped with a sword. This will become useful in a number of different situations, but you will be strongly discouraged from using it on people. Ignoring this advice – and murdering anyone who stands in your way – will serve as a useful method of skipping any puzzles you don't like. But be warned; your actions might come back to haunt you...
Nonsense – A style of humour reminiscent of the surreal, anarchic comedy of Monty Python. Lofty subject matter is treated with refreshing flippancy. Gags about butts are taken very seriously. But rest assured, while some of the jokes may be ridiculous, the puzzles make perfect sense! (or at least adhere to a consistent internal logic)
Moments of Surprising Profundity – Actually, no... Don't read too much into it.
Special thanks to SUPERHOT PRESENTS, whose support made this project possible.
Popular achievements
Whoopsie!
The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he delivers those who are discouraged. -Psalms 34:18
common
·
41.86%
Abuse Democracy
I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you... -Corinthians 1:10
common
·
48.84%
Duped!
My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness. -Psalms 38:5
common
·
46.51%
Magician's Assistant #1
Nor did they repent of their murders, their magic arts, their sexual immorality or their thefts. -Revelations 9:21
common
·
48.84%
Who's a good boy!?
The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear and a mouth like that of a lion. -Revelations 13:2
common
·
44.19%
Win the Talent Show
Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! -Corinthians 15:57
common
·
30.23%
Magician's Assistant #2
The light of a lamp will never shine in you again ...For by your magic spell all the nations were led astray. -Revelations 18:23
common
·
37.21%
Magician's Assistant #3
Keep on, then, with your magic spells and with your many sorceries,which you have laboured at since childhood. Perhaps you will succeed, perhaps you will cause terror. -Isaiah 47:12
common
·
37.21%
King for a Day
And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee. -Genesis 17:6
common
·
37.21%
System requirements
Minimum system requirements:
Recommended system requirements:
Time to beat
2 hMain
3 h Main + Sides
3 h Completionist
2.5 h All Styles
Game length provided by HowLongToBeat
Game details
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Critics reviews
RPG Fan
79%
Suited for those with a sense of humor who enjoy the idea of poking fun at just about anyone on a pedestal.
Read full review »Softpedia
8.5/10
If you have played Four Last Things, The Procession to Calvary is mandatory. But even if you have not played Richardson's previous game, this one is worth every minute of the roughly four hours you will need to finish it. It does not care if it offends, as long as it entertains.
Read full review »TheSixthAxis
7/10
The Procession to Calvary is very rude, very silly, and a whole lot of fun if taken as it is intended. Much like the Monty Python sketches that have influenced it, it walks the thin line between humour and heresy, but as long you don't mind a bit of irreverent blasphemy mixed in with your silliness, there is a great evening of fun to be had within. You don't even need to have spent 10 years getting a PhD to enjoy it…
Read full review »
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User reviews
Posted on: September 9, 2025
joelandsonja
Games: 524 Reviews: 129
Ridiculous Gaslighting
I honestly can't believe that GOG is releasing games from this publisher. These games are all purposely trying to antagonise people of faith in the name of "art". The descriptions of the game alone are extremely insulting to the Christian tradition. You can call it "art" all you want, but mocking people of faith, the crucifixion and those who suffered at the hands of tyrants is truly despicable.
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