gunsynd: Tax payers,holiday well done...
Ah some criticism, a surefire sign that I am on the right path. Thank you for your input.
If you consider leaving my support network, my loved ones, my home and trying to get myself to a state of cleaner mind and body in the bush so that I do no harm to others or myself as I am prone to, and come back a healthier more productive individual to be a 'holiday', then I suggest you try heavy detoxification yourself some time. I've tried the orthodox path through the medical and social systems and they have left me in a worse condition than I started. I've tried to get help from family members and have tried my best under the current social and economic system and that has resulted in my conditions worsening.
You are making a judgment based on seeing the words "disability pension" with a lack of knowledge of my history, my disabilities, my abilities, my work history, tax payments and other contributions to 'society'. If there is no safety net, i.e welfare, then cost to insititutionalise me in gaol or a psych ward far outweighs the cost of a pension. Every cent I get goes back into 'economy', a beast that is the focus of human civilisation these days isn't it, no matter what the human cost? Hence the amount of corporate welfare that exists these days, which far outweighs welfare for the individual and the economic cost of it.
I have NO criminal record or even a caution to my name. Do you have an issue paying taxes to house criminals? Do you have an issue paying taxes to chemically and physically restrain those with severe mental illness? Do you have a job for me that will accept and understand my disabilities, if so sign me up as my own efforts have been fruitless. I had to leave my last casual gardening job due to my failing health. I'm an easy target, what is your solution? Storytelling, writing, sharing knowledge, giving and helping others as best I can within my capacity and protecting and nurturing those I love is all I have left at this stage.
Edit: it would be much easier for me to kill those who helped create and nurture this beast within and just go to gaol or a psych ward. It has been a constant battle for me not to. I learned what that would do to myself after seeing my friend from school Michael after he got out of Longbay psych ward after stabbing his mother in the head and chest 37 times whilst she slept. He killed himself 2 years ago as he could no longer bear it. I tried suicide properly once and was warned not to again or I will succeed. Is that your preference for my path forward in life? No thanks, I will continue to try and heal myself as best I can to be the most loving and peaceful version of myself that I can be.
Everlast - What It's Like "We've all seen a man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dread-locked, and full of mange
He asks a man for what he could spare, with shame in his eyes
"Get a job, you fucking slob," is all he replies
God forbid, you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues"
Edit 2: I hope that when I return, 4 words such as those you wrote, from a complete stranger, will not set off a reaction within as they did. If it had been face to face, I would have to walk away in an instant as I would probably feel like gutting you as I have copped criticism for who I am for as long as I can recall. Thank you for helping me to realise how much healing I need to undertake, and that this shows the state I have let myself get to. I mean that sincerely.