Bad day today.
Woke up from a really awful dream that mirrors my real life anxiety in which the worst case scenario happened and its malaise is hanging over me.
Not much hope. I'm trying to cling onto the mantra that it will get better, but it's been nearly two years. I'm not getting any better. Every day, I have to make the conscious decision to try one more day and not kill myself.
Some days are worse than others. Today is really not a good day. I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of putting on a brave face, and smiling, when all I want to do is stop the pain and emptiness. Suicide is not the goal, it's the solution.
I'm so exhausted of fighting this. It's a never ending spiral of recrimination and self-hatred because I can't just snap out of it. I know it doesn't work like that, I've been fighting this throughout my entire adult life, and before, but...
Sorry to vent on you.
But, hey, I'll probably never meet any of you in RL. You're not Facebook friends where you gotta catch 'em all - you're quite real. But I've cut myself off from everyone I know except for family.
If I can't vent here in safety, well then, there's nowhere else really.
I can't really talk to my family, because if I do, they get (more) worried and start checking up on me continuously, and then I can feel the walls of my depression closing in.
I'm just so tired.
I saw your post First things First GROW UP! and LISTEN to what I have to say
I have been Looking after My Schizo-Affective Mother for over 15 years it all started when I was 16 years old I'm 31 Years old now the Voices in her head COME OUT HER MOUTH! I had my Middle Teens, Late teens, Early 20's, Middle 20's, Late 20's and to this present day early 30's STOLEN OFF ME and am I bitching about it PLUS I'm in HIDEOUS AGONY! with My I.B.S. ALL THE TIME feels Like I'm digesting HOT MOLTEN STEEL! and you are complaining about No Job you are going to OFF yourself over something THAT SIMPLE! Wish MY problems WERE THAT SIMPLE! aww.. It's been nearly two years you Whining prissy TRY FIFTEEN YEARS AND THE DOCTORS TOLD ME SHE'LL NEVER GET ANY BETTER THEN WHAT THEY HAVE DONE FOR HER! and I HAVE TO *LOOK AFTER MY MOTHER FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE* see how EASY your life really is!
I'm a Slave to my own mother I'm SLAVE DRIVEN by my retarded sister she Makes Me GET HER EVERYTHING I have NO GIRLFRIEND So NO NOOKIES to make it al better because women in Australia are quite frankly BATSHIT INSANE!
they are FEMINISTS TO THE EXTREME! I gotta be careful walking outside because one of them MIGHT ATTACK ME for some IMAGINED thing I supposedly did to them I'm NOT ALLOWED TO DEFEND MYSELF (that's classified as Violence Against Women) Women here get away with KILLING PEOPLE I SH*T YOU NOT! You've got a pretty easy life Kid!
REAL HEROES DO NOT GET MEDALS! No THEY GET KICKED IN THE TEETH and THEN SOME!
I have ten Rotten teeth left in my head because I got bashed by two thugs at Toronto here in Australia died 3 times on the way to Hospital they shattered my skull they were high on wild turkey Bourbon and Crystal Meth!
Being dead feels like you have your eyes closed and your body feels HOLLOW! like when you get a tooth out that similar hollow socket feeling ALL OVER YOUR BODY! then you see a smoky blue light!