I... I failed myself! I am the worst, the lowliest... I guess people can't become "evil", indifferent or "sadistic" towards others on a whim, you are either born to be a base a$$hole cretin, or a soft-spot looser. I made for myself such a great progress towards self healing, reverse (plus basic) psychology even, being able to shrug off major blows that life and people have dealt to me over the years, as if they were nothing! I vowed to never again feel for anything or anyone. And stupid me went and got a new crush, even. Yeah, i took advantage of her and effed her like a beast. Yeah, i made it worth her while, so she can pay off expenses for many things, extra teaching hours even, to sit exams at school for entering university... But she treated me sweetly and with seeming affection... Her entire language, bodily, reactions, everything down to her facial expressions and hot passionate kisses, even all the way to the last hand stroke with her smiling to me, made me have a serious meltdown. And yet, all this was an act. And yes, i noticed. And no, i went like an idiot and got myself a big, huge crush!
God damn it! GOD. DAMN. IT. ALL. She now tries to "blackmail" me, she is trying to play with me, make me mad or desperate or jealous, sends messages and doesn't come back at my answers, asks me for more money and makes me sizzle like a beach! Hell, i feel like i am in hell, in a barbecue pit! I am a human being too, damn it all and i got a crush! Why do others exploit what comes naturally, especially after causing it themselves? I am not a demon, i can and i do love too... Curses and curses! I feel like something replace-able, something worthless, like a tool... I am sick and tired of everything and everyone! I am sick of being abused, double crossed and painfully stabbed, each and every time i make the stupid mistake to allow emotion get the better of me! Big Bad Bradley who saw "opportunities" in economic depression's raging, is now crying alone in a dark corner, like a child that had its candy stolen by a stranger. Even my cat is howling at me, trying to understand why i am sobbing. I am weak, pathetic and pitiful. I am not cut out for the "survival" part. This jungle called society is once again choking me, i need clean air, i feel like i will puke anytime now
Post edited June 02, 2017 by KiNgBrAdLeY7