Some called it "misanthropy". I don't know for sure but I hate *weak* people: those who whining about their problems, with lack of will and intellect, smart asses, cruel people, destructive people or drug addicts (alcohol/tobacco included).
Suddenly I realized that I don't hate people in the first place but myself, because I'm part of the *weak*. All I do is blaming others or everything else in the world. I don't have a will power to overcome even mediocre obstacles. I'm a smart ass with no particular skills, I'm not that smart after all. Being afraid of cruelty of others towards me I became cruel empty shallow person. And I'm abusing drug use for about 10 years now (alcohol/tobacco excluded).
For 4 and a half months I don't have a job. There is only 29 RUB left, less than 0.50 USD. My food supplies are almost gone: I have some buckwheat, millet and a fistful of jasmine rice (yummy).
My last girl was a stupid self-centered beach, who beached about herself and talked only about herself period. When we broke she just won't to leave my place explaining it with some dubious reasons like "I don't want to move my stuff" or "It might be costly for me to pay rent elsewhere". Well one day my friend come over to my place at night because his car crashed. So she came to the kitchen and starts bitching about that my friend being to loud. The problem is that it was my friend, my home and she starts bossing around without even saying hello, she starts addressing with words "What the hell you are thinking talking so loud...". So it was a last drop in my dignity raping and I burst out and start yelling and swearing so much that she actually gets my message that I want her to leave for real.
On the next day without prior notification she invited her 2 friends and 1 person from my last job at bank. She openly and specifically for everyone ears discussed with her friends how bad I am. She VERY slowly took here stuff from shelf, then had sip of a beer from a bottle, and than move stuff back to another shelf, making it's a never ending story of moving back and forward the same stuff over and over again in front on my eyes, taking her f@cking beer. So I decided to leave her with friends and left my place for 2.5 hours. When I returned they were still there! Stupid bitch can't even stop talking. When I especially asked her to silence her voice, she continued with new force. Her friend (girl) asked me what really happened between us and mentioned something about knife. When asked what about *knife*, she hasn't commented it. Can you believe it? My ex even implied something about me trying to hit her and even harm her with a knife. What a stupid dumb person!
And you know what? She actually forgave me for everything I've done for her. For betraying her. For a year of my life. She also promised me to not contact me in my life. And implied that I specifically invited my friend over to start a well pre-planned conflict. When I said that his car was crashed and it was never intended by me she said "You know, I don't really believe you, you're lying to me". Oh how I hate stupid people! God help me!
Guess what. When she finally left me with her friends and my ex co-worker. She starts texting me on the next day. Describing how 2 males fought for her in some night club, how insecure she is feeling. And that my dead brother visits her in her dreams with promises of assisting and helping her in life. This is my brother!!! My dead and beloved brother! How can she even mention him?!? She never actually met him in real life!
I asked her to stop texting me because I don't feel comfortable with that. And she replied that me feeling uncomfortable is the very reason she is texting me in the first place. So I switched my phone number / WhatsApp account / whatsoever.
I'm feeling so weak and drained. Some women they are like spiders of vampires. They f@ck you brains only f@ck it again and again. Especially when you are weak like myself.
I kicked all my friends (except for one) out of my life. Why? One friend supplied me with drugs with or without my consent, he also promoted me with many RPG minor quests like "take the money from that person, keep it and then get it to my place".
My another friend openly insults me and called me something like "baked brains". When confronted about this he added that this is his way of seeing me as a person and that it always was his way of expressing things. So I could forget about apologizing and such.
And my third friend thought that deciding everything for me is the best idea in his life. So I could forget about my opinion. He says what I do and when. When sometime I visited his place before visiting my mother, he decided that I have nothing better to do but to make part of his job project for free, the project he supposed to complete 3 weeks before. He is that loud person who came over. And that's true he speaks too loud and about himself only.
And I don't blame them, they maybe absolutely right about themselves. I just hate them all for making my miserable life more miserable. I'm depressed and empty. My brother's death broke something deep inside me and open it's way to remorse and regret.
If there was a button "Press and die and go to heaven [presumably]" I would might consider pushing it right away.
I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. I'm alone and I have no resources to go on. I should rather die, but I won't. It's a shame...