He was a friend from my teen years, actually. Though two years younger than me, we were neighbors and best buddies since early teens.

After I moved because of college, we remained good friends through the internet and would see each other whenever possible, but life was not very kind to him. He always had trouble with his family (father was somewhat crazy; mother is, well, out of touch with reality, I think), seemed to attach himself too much to bad friendships, had extremely low self-stem, had bipolar disorder and had a tendency to become addicted to things (at a time it was Ragnarok Online, another it was practicing martial arts) and drugs.

His worst problem was with alcohol and, though I've never seen him drunk, people say that he could be very violent when drunk. Years of problematic behavior also made him a very good and manipulative liar and that, coupled with his drugs problems, eroded basically all of his friendships and relationships.

Throughout this time, I too became distant from him, never denying him the pleasure of a good friendly talk, but never eager to see him either. I actually became a close friend to a girl* whom he had a relationship with for years (it was toxic for both of them) and she was one of the two people who broke the news to me.

It is unsure if he committed suicide or if it was an accident, he fell from the balcony of his apartment on the second floor of a building. He lived with his mother, but she was traveling at the time. People seem to be inclined to think he was drunk and deliberately tried to kill himself, jumping.

As for me, five or six years ago, I believe I'd be completely devastated, but today I just feel a great deep sadness. As I said, he eroded all his relationships and that includes ours, even though he seemed to hold me in great regards until the end.

I feel like this was something I always knew would happen and was somewhat expecting it to happen at any time. Only it happened now and no one was actually expecting it to happen.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me. I feel I should be feeling sadder, even though I can't and this is troubling me a bit, I think.


* Don't get me wrong here, I became good friends with her, but I never dated her or anything like that.

Sorry to hear that. I hope you have good friends to turn to.

Loss can be hard, even when it's expected or someone from long in the past.

Jackson Browne's "Song for adam" is about a friend of his who died in similar circumstances, also a balcony fall that may or may not have been intended. Musically not one of his best songs, perhaps.

Ah, sorry mate. :-/

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't be hard on yourself for not being as upset about it as you feel you should... I've found that that's exactly what happens to me when I lose someone. I'll often be devastated by pretty overwhelming things in life, but when it comes to the really big stuff (like losing a friend/loved one) I most often just go numb. Not completely, but I wind up too distant to truly feel what's happened. I don't think it's in any way a sign that you don't/didn't care enough. Especially when it's someone you expected this to happen to... can make the distance-from-the-situation (and in my case, from myself) even greater.

Sorry to hear that man, I too lost a friend that was around 15 years of friendship... It's hard but know what? I was once told you lose some you gain many so maybe it's a turn for good? who knows BUT! you still have us the gog family :)

Sorry for the loss, man. Even if he hadn't been a friend, still, that was tragic. I don't intend to judge you, but before his habits ruined your friendship partly (as it did with that of other people), why didn't you try to talk him out of this? I simply wonder that, since being friends, friendly talk you yourself said you would provide...

Also, how can martial arts and drugs mix? Someone who takes drugs cannot perform complex movement and coordinate eye with body...

About the girl, even though i don't know her, my friendly advice to you is to be careful. Usually, behind a man's downfall, a toxic relationship with the wrong woman sometimes hide. Take care of yourself, people nowadays are very strange and unpredictable; they can fool anyone and never look like being able to be really bad, even dangerous, towards you.

Of course i can be mistaken. And i apologize if i somehow offended you. Still... Take care

First off, don't feel conflicted with your feelings. Even if you think you should feel more sad than you are, that is just placing the reality wrong. I wish you the best of luck in your mourning process. It's alright to feel sad and even if you don't feel as devastated, it's only natural to feel that way you feel.

ok so he wasn't normal - but you a crazy heartless bastard too! who asked you to feel sad? you think just because someone would shed a tear for him he'll be back?.. he gone forever now. if he'd have a true friend maybe he'd talk about it but you never was his friend! he knew he couldn't count on anybody let alone you, so that's why he did what he did... even if he had issues as you say, i definitely think it's not his fault

There are some people you know, and you can look at and you can see that they're probably going to commit suicide or do something stupid like falling off a balcony drunk.
The problem is that when it does eventually happen, you've been expecting the news, so it doesn't really come as a surprise. Then when you react with sadness, but not devastation or shock, you start wondering if there's something the matter with you because you just lost a friend, and you're not *that* upset. Then you feel a little guilty because you aren't that upset.
Or maybe that's just me...

I had a friend who committed suicide. She had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and was in and out of hospital. We were very close at one point, because we had shared circumstances - we met in hospital when we had appointments with our psychologists, and we recognised each other from school.
But after school, we lost touch. A few years later, we met in the street - she was on day release from hospital, and they had her on so many drugs, she was barely there. It was a shock then to see her then and compare her to the vibrant, funny and intelligent girl I knew.
A couple of months later, she killed herself. And while I was sad for her family and everyone who knew her, I just couldn't find it in myself to be really sad for what she did. She'd finally found peace. I know if I'd been on so many drugs that I couldn't barely stand and talk, I'd want to kill myself, and one of the reasons we'd bonded was that we shared very similar outlooks on life and opinions. I'm just sad she never got to fulfill her dreams.
I think I'd like to believe that wherever she is, if she is at all now, she's okay.

My commiserations on your loss, even if it is a distant loss. Don't feel bad for not feeling that bad. Unfortunately, some people can't be helped, either because we don't have the necessary tools (yet - better drugs, better understanding of how the brain works and mental illness etc.), or because they just don't want to be helped.

The worst stuff is always seeing once important people go down in a slow but deliberate way.
You can only learn from this, that although people handle a difficult life quite different, it can happen to anyone and once on a downward spiral many people never really get up again. :/

It might strike you later.

Sorry to hear about your loss and your friend's troubled life full of bad decisions. I only hope he found the peace he was obviously searching for all those years.

once i was playing conquer online and game is swarming with egyptians who most of them don't know english. and there was a punk who tried to insult me - he called me a PEACE of sh!t. :D hahaha.. so i don't believe too much in peace.

Sorry about your friend. :(