Posted September 02, 2016
high rated
today (9/1), at roughly 12pm est my grandma, and one of my best friends suffered a heart attack and passed away shortly thereafter. as a kid who grew up in a rotten neighborhood with little money, i'd sink what little money i had into pc upgrades and pc games to stay out of trouble, avoiding the basketball court and the dealers that used to hang around it. planescape torment was always one of my favorites. i think dakkon always had it right. "endure, in enduring grow strong." at the time, i kind of secretly made that my motto. it helped propel me into competitive bodybuilding and a few other things which helped me attain some decent success i'd say.
i've suffered losses of friends, reckless people who's death would make one call into question one's own mortality and my father in law who was pretty young. but this is the first loss of ever dealt with of someone close, someone i really connected with on a deep level. she was old (79) so i thought id be ready if something happened, but i wasn't. it's never real until it's real, and enduring just feels so hard right now. before today the option was always there to stop and see my grandparents at their house on my way home from work, and the universe just pushed out a no man's sky style update for my family, so now the option isn't. my grandpa who is 88 is probably going to live in a facility of some sort until he dies of depression. which really is just the worst part. he's old as dirt, so he's forgetful, and waking up in strange place to find all you had is no more every day is just the worst. and the thought of it just breaks me to pieces.
back in the early 90s my mom would drop me off at my grandparents house while she worked; my grandma and i would drink coffee at the kitchen table while we talked about what we were going to do that day and she read the paper. we'd often top-off the afternoon (before my mom picked me up) with a trip to tcby yogurt, where we'd talk about existential things like the existence god, death, and the pursuit of happiness. those are such awesome memories. i'd always get the chocolate with rainbow sprinkles. her and my grandpa introduced me to the indiana jones movies, the terminator movies, labyrinth, willow, and pretty much everything awesome. stuff that was so different from the stuff kids around me were watching and is the stuff that utterly helped define my childhood.
when i got home from that familial fiasco, with eyes full of salt water i squeezed my wife and kids so hard i think i knocked the wind out of them. i look at my little 2-year-old, my awkward 10-year-old, and my idiot 14-year-old and think about the future... just pure unavoidable inevitability of it all scares the shit out of me. i dont want to lose my wife when im almost 90 and wonder where she is when i wake up every day because ive forgotten. i'm only 33, but life in retrospect just seems so short.
im sorry for this post that i know has almost nothing to do with games, but it's hard for me to verbally vent my feelings like this, even to my wife.
endure, in enduring grow strong.
i've suffered losses of friends, reckless people who's death would make one call into question one's own mortality and my father in law who was pretty young. but this is the first loss of ever dealt with of someone close, someone i really connected with on a deep level. she was old (79) so i thought id be ready if something happened, but i wasn't. it's never real until it's real, and enduring just feels so hard right now. before today the option was always there to stop and see my grandparents at their house on my way home from work, and the universe just pushed out a no man's sky style update for my family, so now the option isn't. my grandpa who is 88 is probably going to live in a facility of some sort until he dies of depression. which really is just the worst part. he's old as dirt, so he's forgetful, and waking up in strange place to find all you had is no more every day is just the worst. and the thought of it just breaks me to pieces.
back in the early 90s my mom would drop me off at my grandparents house while she worked; my grandma and i would drink coffee at the kitchen table while we talked about what we were going to do that day and she read the paper. we'd often top-off the afternoon (before my mom picked me up) with a trip to tcby yogurt, where we'd talk about existential things like the existence god, death, and the pursuit of happiness. those are such awesome memories. i'd always get the chocolate with rainbow sprinkles. her and my grandpa introduced me to the indiana jones movies, the terminator movies, labyrinth, willow, and pretty much everything awesome. stuff that was so different from the stuff kids around me were watching and is the stuff that utterly helped define my childhood.
when i got home from that familial fiasco, with eyes full of salt water i squeezed my wife and kids so hard i think i knocked the wind out of them. i look at my little 2-year-old, my awkward 10-year-old, and my idiot 14-year-old and think about the future... just pure unavoidable inevitability of it all scares the shit out of me. i dont want to lose my wife when im almost 90 and wonder where she is when i wake up every day because ive forgotten. i'm only 33, but life in retrospect just seems so short.
im sorry for this post that i know has almost nothing to do with games, but it's hard for me to verbally vent my feelings like this, even to my wife.
endure, in enduring grow strong.
