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today (9/1), at roughly 12pm est my grandma, and one of my best friends suffered a heart attack and passed away shortly thereafter. as a kid who grew up in a rotten neighborhood with little money, i'd sink what little money i had into pc upgrades and pc games to stay out of trouble, avoiding the basketball court and the dealers that used to hang around it. planescape torment was always one of my favorites. i think dakkon always had it right. "endure, in enduring grow strong." at the time, i kind of secretly made that my motto. it helped propel me into competitive bodybuilding and a few other things which helped me attain some decent success i'd say.

i've suffered losses of friends, reckless people who's death would make one call into question one's own mortality and my father in law who was pretty young. but this is the first loss of ever dealt with of someone close, someone i really connected with on a deep level. she was old (79) so i thought id be ready if something happened, but i wasn't. it's never real until it's real, and enduring just feels so hard right now. before today the option was always there to stop and see my grandparents at their house on my way home from work, and the universe just pushed out a no man's sky style update for my family, so now the option isn't. my grandpa who is 88 is probably going to live in a facility of some sort until he dies of depression. which really is just the worst part. he's old as dirt, so he's forgetful, and waking up in strange place to find all you had is no more every day is just the worst. and the thought of it just breaks me to pieces.

back in the early 90s my mom would drop me off at my grandparents house while she worked; my grandma and i would drink coffee at the kitchen table while we talked about what we were going to do that day and she read the paper. we'd often top-off the afternoon (before my mom picked me up) with a trip to tcby yogurt, where we'd talk about existential things like the existence god, death, and the pursuit of happiness. those are such awesome memories. i'd always get the chocolate with rainbow sprinkles. her and my grandpa introduced me to the indiana jones movies, the terminator movies, labyrinth, willow, and pretty much everything awesome. stuff that was so different from the stuff kids around me were watching and is the stuff that utterly helped define my childhood.

when i got home from that familial fiasco, with eyes full of salt water i squeezed my wife and kids so hard i think i knocked the wind out of them. i look at my little 2-year-old, my awkward 10-year-old, and my idiot 14-year-old and think about the future... just pure unavoidable inevitability of it all scares the shit out of me. i dont want to lose my wife when im almost 90 and wonder where she is when i wake up every day because ive forgotten. i'm only 33, but life in retrospect just seems so short.

im sorry for this post that i know has almost nothing to do with games, but it's hard for me to verbally vent my feelings like this, even to my wife.

endure, in enduring grow strong.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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fortune_p_dawg: today (9/1), at roughly 12pm est my grandma, and one of my best friends suffered a heart attack and passed away shortly thereafter. as a kid who grew up in a rotten neighborhood with little money, i'd sink what little money i had into pc upgrades and pc games to stay out of trouble, avoiding the basketball court and the dealers that used to hang around it. planescape torment was always one of my favorites. i think dakkon always had it right. "endure, in enduring grow strong." at the time, i kind of secretly made that my motto. it helped propel me into competitive bodybuilding and a few other things which helped me attain some decent success i'd say.

i've suffered losses of friends, reckless people who's death would make one call into question one's own mortality and my father in law who was pretty young. but this is the first loss of ever dealt with of someone close, someone i really connected with on a deep level. she was old (79) so i thought id be ready if something happened, but i wasn't. it's never real until it's real, and enduring just feels so hard right now. before today the option was always there to stop and see my grandparents at their house on my way home from work, and the universe just pushed out a no man's sky style update for my family, so now the option isn't. my grandpa who is 88 is probably going to live in a facility of some sort until he dies of depression. which really is just the worst part. he's old as dirt, so he's forgetful, and waking up in strange place to find all you had is no more every day is just the worst. and the thought of it just breaks me to pieces.

back in the early 90s my mom would drop me off at my grandparents house while she worked; my grandma and i would drink coffee at the kitchen table while we talked about what we were going to do that day and she read the paper. we'd often top-off the afternoon (before my mom picked me up) with a trip to tcby yogurt, where we'd talk about existential things like the existence god, death, and the pursuit of happiness. those are such awesome memories. i'd always get the chocolate with rainbow sprinkles. her and my grandpa introduced me to the indiana jones movies, the terminator movies, labyrinth, willow, and pretty much everything awesome. stuff that was so different from the stuff kids around me were watching and is the stuff that utterly helped define my childhood.

when i got home from that familial fiasco, with eyes full of salt water i squeezed my wife and kids so hard i think i knocked the wind out of them. i look at my little 2-year-old, my awkward 10-year-old, and my idiot 14-year-old and think about the future... just pure unavoidable inevitability of it all scares the shit out of me. i dont want to lose my wife when im almost 90 and wonder where she is when i wake up every day because ive forgotten. i'm only 33, but life in retrospect just seems so short.

im sorry for this post that i know has almost nothing to do with games, but it's hard for me to verbally vent my feelings like this, even to my wife.

endure, in enduring grow strong.
Thanks for writing it down. You are doing well in your life. Keep taking care of your family. Good man.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's good that you're able to vent here.
I'm so sorry for your loss. There's a lot of love in your post and it sounds like she was an awesome lady.

If you ever need a stranger to just vent stuff at one on one feel free to drop me a message.
Thanks for sharing. Wishing you and your family the best.
I am Deeply sorry for the loss of someone special in your life i too have live almost the same life except at the basketball courts they was worse from drugs to crime i be there trying to fit in while the world around me was insane,,

If not for electronics and latar the pc i would have had a life with them and been worse off

it kept me home and safe and i can look back and know my chocies was the right ones

many from my years of life became crimnals and worse and many died over these years,,

i too feel deep for you lost my brother, and father died which made me lose my child hood and also bad luck and when they died almost lost my self,,

12 years later my mother passed after my father and even my girlfrind lost our twins, when you hug your family know they are your strengh and make you rich beyond money, and the wisdom you learn will carry you i hope to old age gracfull..

be strong live for the now your grandmother is always going to watch over you like my parents and brother and childen i never saw grow-up they will watch over me too so smile and never forget

what you had and have and what you have yet to see ...
Post edited September 02, 2016 by Madshaker
My condolences. It sounds like your grandmother was an awesome person.
My condolences to you and your family. I lost my mother a little over a year ago and it can be difficult at times. Someone told me "it is never easy, but it gets easier over time". I'm not yet sure if that is true or not but hopefully it is for all of us to experience loss.

Best wishes.
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fortune_p_dawg: my grandpa who is 88 is probably going to live in a facility of some sort until he dies of depression. which really is just the worst part. he's old as dirt, so he's forgetful, and waking up in strange place to find all you had is no more every day is just the worst. and the thought of it just breaks me to pieces.
Why can't you or your parents take care of him? Why is pawning him off the only option? "Hardship", "money", or "space" are not valid answers btw.

Tip - Dementia/Alzheimers is warded off by actively using the mind on complex problems. If you don't want to end up senile then you need to keep your brain in shape.
I'm sorry for your loss. I have no idea how devastating is that but I have a son and I can understand how bad it feels to imagine losing him. I wish you the best and strength to carry on. Remember nothing last forever. Bad things will eventually pass away and good things can come if you are ready and willing to give it a chance, and you already got one in front of you. You have your wife and kids right?

On the bright side, you are a living prove that gaming can actually be good. It indeed helps you to avoid bad influences from your bad neighborhood. Probably someone should open a gaming therapy center to straighten kids growing up in bad neighborhood :) (Just kidding, only try to lighten up the mood a bit)
My condolences.
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fortune_p_dawg: ...he's forgetful, and waking up in strange place to find all you had is no more every day is just the worst. and the thought of it just breaks me to pieces. ...
I dread that too with my parents. They are already now (~75) so forgetful. I wish I could spent more time with them.

It all makes us aware of mortality and then we should cherish what we have in the present and value what good we have and focus and enjoy more what we love.
My condolences for your loss.
Be grateful for the time you had together and cherish the love and memories they gave you.

I'm 41 and only got to know 1 grandparent who passed away when I was 11. I don't have many memories of him, but the ones I have still make me happy and make me feel nostalgic.
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Trilarion: My condolences.
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fortune_p_dawg: ...he's forgetful, and waking up in strange place to find all you had is no more every day is just the worst. and the thought of it just breaks me to pieces. ...
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Trilarion: I dread that too with my parents. They are already now (~75) so forgetful. I wish I could spent more time with them.

It all makes us aware of mortality and then we should cherish what we have in the present and value what good we have and focus and enjoy more what we love.
My mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimers. She's 66 if I remember rightly. They've given her about 10 years. :(
I too, am sorry for you loss.

Things will look very black right now as the death of your beloved grandma has made you aware of the frailty of life. But, it's clear from your post that you are strong and that you have a family that loves you.

Try to find a way to tell your wife how you feel - she is by your side and can give you a hug, physically support you through this time. Those of us posting here can give you virtual support and hugs, but that won't beat being held by one who loves you.

Give yourself time to grieve fortune_p_dawg and continue to post here when you need to.