Ditto, which reminds me.

When I was kid my parents were great; they took me everywhere.

I kept finding my way back home.

91 for everyone, all made me laugh. Love bad jokes.

What did 0 say to number 8?

I like your belt.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

(Nicked from comedian Milton Jones, the king of awful but hilarious one liners)


Glad everyone's enjoying the thread. Keep em coming!

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and says, "Get out! We can't serve you here!". The pirate replies, "Arr, is it because I've got a Bounty on me head?"

John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A pregnant woman walks into a bar, and is soon approached by a guy who says, "Can I sit here with you? She says, "No, I'm expecting someone." (thanks to George Voiland)

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

After a long's day work, two termites crawl into a tavern for a drink. The tiredest one asks the waiter, "Is the bar tender, here?" The waiter answers, " I wooden know." His buddy, ticked off at the bad pun, beats him to a pulp, until the tired one passes out and starts to saw logs.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn!

Aha! I was just reading the thread thinking, "Of course I'm going to post the nice belt joke."

Brilliant, and reminded me of another one.

A man walks into a bar and orders two pints. He drinks one and then the other. He comes in once a week for a month and does this before the bartender asks why. He explains that his brother moved to Australia, so every week they each go to the pub and have a pint for themselves and a pint for their absent brother.
Six months later the man comes in and only orders one pint.
"Oh no, has something happened to your brother?" the bartender asks.
"No, my brother's fine. I've just given up drinking"

Great minds think alike.

I ran into my ex girlfriend the other day. Then I backed up and ran into her again.

(Originally from Jeff Ross)

Some more jokes!

How do you fit 4 elephants in a mini?

Put the elephants in the front and their trunks in the boot.

How do you fit 4 giraffes in a mini?

Take the elephants out first.

The lion calls a meeting for all the animals. Which animals don't come?

The giraffes, because they're still in the mini.


I'm here all night! (unfortunately for you lot ;) )

What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls =)

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool!
:D

The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers here".

A time traveler walks into a bar.

I love bad jokes!!! :) fun thread.

What is black and white and red all over?
Zebra with a sun burn

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t! You get down from a goose.