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I saw a baby's arm on my pillow when I woke up this morning. When I tried to grab it is disappeared.
In the last few months I have been hearing people talking or music, plugging my ears did not make it stop so I know it's all in my head.

I'll report those thing next time I see the professionals I'm seeing (doctor and social worker).

Things could be worst, I'm a very rational person and an Atheist so I do not believe those experiences have anything to do with paranormal activities or mind control experiments. I do wish I was born in an era where psychiatry was an exact science and some kind of scanner could find what it wrong with my brain and correct it.
I don't post in this thread for myself because so many other people seem to have larger, more looming issues. Sometimes though, everything just piles up and you can't keep it buried. I'm not happy with my life and not sure how to change that, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I tell myself at least I have a roof over my head and can afford to eat regularly(if I'm honest, too regularly)and have access to healthcare again, a tidy backlog of games, and a family I mostly get along with, but I've got the self-confidence of a hobbit going into a dragon's cave and am convinced that people don't really like me at all, they either tolerate me, I have something they want, or else they just are too kind to say otherwise. Doesn't really matter where, online or in real life, it's all the same. I'm on anxiety meds and blood pressure meds, but they only help in minimal ways.

“We don’t even ask happiness, just a little less pain.”
― Charles Bukowski
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Ragnarblackmane: .....but I've got the self-confidence of a hobbit going into a dragon's cave and am convinced that people don't really like me at all, they either tolerate me, I have something they want, or else they just are too kind to say otherwise. Doesn't really matter where, online or in real life, it's all the same. I'm on anxiety meds and blood pressure meds, but they only help in minimal ways.
You know all to well that you have people that like you and appreciate you. There is one person right here for example who likes you (me). I don't just tolerated you, you have nothing I want (except the pleasure of your company for our lovely chats), and although I like to think I'm a kind person, I am not just being your friend to be kind. I genuinely appreciate you and it has been a pleasure getting to know you. I am always here if you need someone to chat to, even though I'm probably not the most helpful person.

P.S. I know it's not a funny subject, but your Hobbit reference made me smile.
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ddickinson: You know all to well that you have people that like you and appreciate you. There is one person right here for example who likes you (me). I don't just tolerated you, you have nothing I want (except the pleasure of your company for our lovely chats), and although I like to think I'm a kind person, I am not just being your friend to be kind. I genuinely appreciate you and it has been a pleasure getting to know you. I am always here if you need someone to chat to, even though I'm probably not the most helpful person.

P.S. I know it's not a funny subject, but your Hobbit reference made me smile.
I appreciate that, I truly do, I just know that all of my problems are brought about by my own actions and I've none to blame for feeling this way but myself. I need to get over it, basically.
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ddickinson: You know all to well that you have people that like you and appreciate you. There is one person right here for example who likes you (me). I don't just tolerated you, you have nothing I want (except the pleasure of your company for our lovely chats), and although I like to think I'm a kind person, I am not just being your friend to be kind. I genuinely appreciate you and it has been a pleasure getting to know you. I am always here if you need someone to chat to, even though I'm probably not the most helpful person.

P.S. I know it's not a funny subject, but your Hobbit reference made me smile.
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Ragnarblackmane: I appreciate that, I truly do, I just know that all of my problems are brought about by my own actions and I've none to blame for feeling this way but myself. I need to get over it, basically.
How has "getting over it" gone for you so far? It doesn't appear to be working my friend, and I would like to echo the sentiments expressed by ddickinson as well as offer an ear and advice if needed by PM, as best I can.

I've been told to "get over it" by both of my parents regarding my abusive upbringing. It only makes things worse as it completely lacks compassion and understanding. It took every ounce of my willpower not to lash back at my mother when I was a teenager. I wanted to kill her! I knew if I lashed back once that I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. But surely one can't hate one's mother? There is a difference between giving birth and nurturing a being.

Instead I took it out on myself and am the being I am now: battered, bruised, scarred but not completely broken. If I hadn't been shown love by others: cats, birds, nature, and most importantly, humans who took the time to listen to me and remind me that I had good within, and could be a caring and loving person. That journey is still a challenge today, and at times I am close to letting out that "beast within". I cannot explain how it feels to know that about oneself. So I keep a good distance from most others unless I know I am able to control myself.

Serial killers are made, not born, something I have researched extensively. A friend of mine did exactly what I had contemplated in 2000, when I was in college. He stabbed his mother in the head and chest 37 times whilst she slept, and then he called the police on himself. He served 4 years in the psychiatric ward of Longbay prison. Even though I had known him since he was 13, and was in contact with him constantly leading up to his crime, I couldn't see him.

I finally got in contact with him in 2008. Only myself and one other friend from school in his current social circle knew of what he did, and he asked me not to say anything about his crime. He was trying his best to rebuild his life. I could see from his eyes that what he had done was eating away at him - I could not have had contact with him if I did not see remorse in his eyes. He was heavily medicated on anti-psychotics and was a chain smoker(he didnt smoke regularly until gaol). In 2013, his inner struggle got the better of him and he committed suicide.

Why do I mention these stories? Because people in pain take one of 3 actions - they take it out on others, take it out on themselves, or find a path of healing. Often all 3 occur until one finds one's path and purpose in life.

You seem to be in pain and looping my friend, something I can relate to. The only way to break a loop is with action, not thought. Something as simple as starting the day with a glass of water and then a walk does wonders for ones perspective on life. Keep on walking(or cycling) and keep on talking, as you have much to share. 'Ware the expression of negativity for it can be all-consuming. Venting is different from being caught in a negative loop.

I don't know what actions you need to take, but I have found that the best course of action for me is a combination of increasing fresh vital food, moving my body(to whatever extent I am capable of), rest(so important and yet so difficult when the mind is racing, so get that body and mind exhausted) and love. Loving myself a little more and connecting with others, be it here where it is safer for me or having a quick chat with a stranger up the road. That usually starts with a smile and a "G'day!"

PS - finding the motivation is the key. External validation can prompt it - there's nothing like a smile from a gorgeous woman, such as MunkiSiren to motivate, but ultimately the decision must come from within. Ask yourself what do you want in life? Set yourself attainable goals. Start small. Focus on yourself and share that beauty with others. Now that I have seen your face, you might be in pain but I see enough in there to say "Don't give up!" Choose a small action, something that you know will do you good but you choose not to do currently, and put it into action. Then add another thing :)
Post edited November 23, 2014 by Tarnicus
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justanoldgamer: I saw a baby's arm on my pillow when I woke up this morning. When I tried to grab it is disappeared.
In the last few months I have been hearing people talking or music, plugging my ears did not make it stop so I know it's all in my head.

I'll report those thing next time I see the professionals I'm seeing (doctor and social worker).

Things could be worst, I'm a very rational person and an Atheist so I do not believe those experiences have anything to do with paranormal activities or mind control experiments. I do wish I was born in an era where psychiatry was an exact science and some kind of scanner could find what it wrong with my brain and correct it.
Does this occur throughout the day or only during sleep/waking periods? See Hypnagogia if it is during the transition to or from sleep.

I wish I was born in an era where psychiatry didn't exist. Worst fucking "profession" ever. Clueless people using people as guinea pigs, where chemical lobotomies are all the rage to replace the ice pick.
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Tarnicus: I wish I was born in an era where psychiatry didn't exist. Worst fucking "profession" ever. Clueless people using people as guinea pigs, where chemical lobotomies are all the rage to replace the ice pick.
Fuck, not me. I certainly don't like the business part of it, but it has literally saved my life on multiple occasions when "snapping out of it" and "getting exercise and eating right" did jack shit.
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Ragnarblackmane: I've got the self-confidence of a hobbit going into a dragon's cave and am convinced that people don't really like me at all, they either tolerate me, I have something they want, or else they just are too kind to say otherwise. Doesn't really matter where, online or in real life, it's all the same.
As for you, beardy, I like the hell out of you. Although I don't post much (I have confidence issues,) we've exchanged a few small replies here and there. I remember at least one of them helped me feel a lot better on a bad day. You are genuinely one of the friendliest people I have met on these forums. if GOG exploded, and I had the only lifeboat, and there were only 8 seats, you would definitely be on it. I'm not trying to flatter you, I'm serious.

And don't be afraid to post your own bitches in this thread. Big or small bitches, let 'em out. Whether you spilled milk or your house burned down, if you want to get something off your chest, I want to hear about it.
A wise Polish Kabuto gave me some great advice once - "It's what this thread is for, dude."
A wise beard once said to me, "if you want to just vent feel free to send a PM."
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AdamR: Fuck, not me. I certainly don't like the business part of it, but it has literally saved my life on multiple occasions when "snapping out of it" and "getting exercise and eating right" did jack shit.
I'm glad to hear that you that you found a path of healing that worked for you :) I did say that I wished that I wasn't born in this time period. Anyone else is free to have their own dreams and wishes :P
Thinking of dismissing myself from my D&D group due to it consisting of a brother, a friend, two acquaintances and an asshole.
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AlKim: Thinking of dismissing myself from my D&D group due to it consisting of a brother, a friend, two acquaintances and an asshole.
You have a DnD group!?
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Soccorro: You have a DnD group!?
You sound surprised. I know a bunch of people who play PnP and even live action RPGs regularly with the same group.

Just to be safe: I'm sure AIKim meant Dungeons & Dragons, not Drag & Drop. The latter would be quite silly. Even if beer were involved.
Leaving in about 15 minutes for a three-hour trek to take our cat, Oscar, to the university vet center to have a look at his cancerous tumor. Had one removed last April or so - from the same spot - and our local vet mentioned it would probably come back. And it's back. This time it has become quite a bit larger in a short period of time, about three inches across over the course of maybe six weeks or so. We'd have taken him in sooner but he had been sick with something that had him not eating for a couple weeks. Our vet said to wait until that got settled before we throw something else at him.

Agriculture being a big deal up here, apparently UW has been a leader in animal oncology so we're hoping they can work their magic on the little guy.

If there's a positive to this, it's that it has seemed to stay outside the rib cage and not affect his internal stuff for now. I suppose the U vet will confirm that one way or another. And it doesn't seem to bother him at all and we're hoping it stays that way.
Not to ignore the people who replied to me but I just had to say...Ferguson Grand Jury decision...WTF...
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Ragnarblackmane: Not to ignore the people who replied to me but I just had to say...Ferguson Grand Jury decision...WTF...
i have never been able to understand the concept of a jury. who thought it would be a good idea to leave such decisions to uneducated people!?