Have a few jokes.
Porn has ruined my life.
My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber.
I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.
For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.
When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.
When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.
Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?
I had to fuck a hell of a lot of animals to find that out.
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
No one's a match for me and my kettle.
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.
Let's see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
A friend of mine was complaining that there's no real comedic merit to sick jokes; that there's too much reliance on a relatively offensive or risqué punchline.
Anyway, we argued about it for a while and then I raped her.
One morning my hot 15 year-old sister came into my room crying. Dad had finally told her that her real parents were unknown - she was adopted.
I was a good big brother. I put a comforting arm around her, and told her that it doesn't matter, that we'll always love her, and that I thought she was the most wonderful sister in the world. Then, I dunno how it happened, but we kissed, and soon things got really passionate - clothes came off, and... we had the most amazing sex.
Sadly, it didn't last. After I came, I found out the condom had split. She started crying again, and I got the shakes. We went downstairs, hand in hand, to break the news to dad that his adopted daughter was probably pregnant.
I have never been less amused by the words "April Fools".
A man walks into a doctor's office complaining of premature ejaculation. The doctor tells him that perhaps if he startles himself with a loud noise right before he fires off his payload, he may be able to last a lot longer.
He decides to try it out, so on his way home he buys himself a starter's pistol and goes straight home. To his delight, he finds his wife lying in bed already naked. They get down to business and soon find themselves 69-ing. Thirty seconds later, he feels like he's going to cum, so be pulls out the pistol and fires.
The next day he returns to the doctor. The doctor asks him how it went. He said "Well, when I fired the pistol, my wife bit three inches of my knob, shat on my face and my neighbour stepped out of my closet in the nude with his hands in the air".
Post edited May 30, 2012 by Hesusio