I love old expressions and proverbs, and since we have a few really lovely ones in dutch, I was wondering wether your (non-english?) language, or alternatively, your local dialect also has little pearls waiting to be found?

Let's get started with the dutch ones I like most (warning, adult content ahead ;p)

"X"= the expression in dutch
lit. =is the literal meaning/translation in english
ie= what it really means

"dat is een totaal van de pot gerukt idee!"
lit.= that idea has been snatched from the toilet!
ie= that is a really, really idiotic notion

"Da's zo'n gedacht om stront op uit te sorteren"
lit=that's the sort of idea you could sort out dung on
ie= it's a totally rediculous proposal

"Ze is geschildert gelijk een tet van Rubens" (originaly from Antwerp)
lit=she's been painted like some tit from Rubens
ie= you say this about a woman who wears a shipload of makeup. look up Rubens, you'll understand

"Door hetzelfde gat kakken" (zo is het toch, niet?)
lit= shitting through the same hole as someone else
ie= sharing someones ideals/thoughts

I'll leave a few for my countrymen should they happen upon this tread, and now I'll post some from my local neighbourhood (Maaseik). Mind you, I understand the dialect but I don't speak it myself.

"Es dijne kop op e verke stong, aat eich gei spek mieer" (my favourite)
lit= if pigs had your face, I would stop eating lard
ie= to let someone know you don't really like them

"Seffes sjijte de mosse nog miee es 'n kow"
lit= in a moment the mice will be shitting like cows!
ie= when someone is overstating something

"Mijn kont is al veerkentig van 't zitte"
lit: mij ass is square from sitting arround
ie= when someone keeps you waiting for a long while

"boeeter op de kont smieeren en druueg broeed ieete"
lit= smearing butter over you backside but eating dry bread
ie= when an effort is totally in vain

"hae kan nog neet pisse zonger te struije"
lit= he can't pee without missing the potty yet
ie= when someone is too young for something

and, finaly, quite a rude one:

"dao hobste geine pak aan"
lit= you can't get a good grip on that one
ie= when talking about thin women

Here are a few dutch/flemish words which I think are quite lovely:

words for an evil woman/shrew

-Treezebees
-Lellebel
-Tang
-Feeks
-Helleveeg

And a few others for:

annoying someone: koeieneren
buzzing of: opsodemieteren/opkrassen
greedy person: krentenkakker (lit: someone who shits raisins)
a grammar nazi in all things: mierenneuker (lit: someone who fucks ants)

And here are a few (warning: VERY OLD) jokes from my grandparents (old as in, they remember the Germans invading in '40)

About the Belgians as a people:

a frenchmen, german and belgian are ascending a mountain. when the frenchmen reaches the summit, he takes in the spectacular view, wipes away a tear of joy and exclaims at the sheer beauty of it. The german reaches the summit, and he to is jubilant, for finaly having reached the top of the mountain and being rewarded with such an overpoweringly beautiful landscape, stretching away miles in all directions. Then the Belgian reaches the summit. He looks arround quickly, lowers his backpack, and flings himself unto the ground... . He closes his eyes for a moment, takes a few deep breaths, and then exclaims extremely loudly: GODDAMN I'M TIRED!!!

About Americans :p

A cousin of a rural Belgian family, who lives in an american city comes back to europe to visit his family. When he arrives at Zaventem airport, he is of course filled with joy at being reunited with his family. at the same time though, he is a bit underwhelmed by Belgium (take note, this is still anno 1950). While driving through the country and villages, he can't help passing remarks like: you know, in the USA, the cars/farms/houses/cities/villages are far, far bigger then they are arround here! At the small dinner table next to a small hearthfire in a small living room in a small cottage in a small rural village, he is asked to go hunting with his companion who picked him up at the airport. Indeed, a fresh rabbit stew would go down quite well he admits. So of they head, into the forests. After a while, in a field, the companion shoots a donkey who's standing arround there, unaware of their presence. This greatly bemuses the American cousin, who bursts out: why the hell would you shoot that donkey?! It obviously belonged to someone! That is the spark that ignites the proverbial blackpowder. The Belgian companion retorts, very grumpy after having had to tolerate this idiot from the new world in his vicinity for far too long: You utter cretin! That wasn't a bloody donkey! Can't you see that that was a fuckin' rabbit !?

Please, post some of the great expressions of your own language or/and dialect, along with funny words and ancient second rate jokes!